no spelling errors.

The title of this post is dedicated to Craig Flack. That is all.

Over the last week I have been reflecting a lot on my last post, and my life circumstances in general. To be honest, I felt like there had to be something more there than what I originally was thinking. In addition to the confessions I expressed last week, I realize that I have one more, except this time it's a bit more difficult to express. There is a condition in my heart that is painful, ugly, and toxic. The condition is sin. I confess that I haven't been completely living the last couple of months desiring to glorify the Lord alone. I've wanted all of that glory to come to me.... I've created myself out to be an idol in my own life. I have wanted to bask in the glory, and I alone wanted all of the credit. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back on my actions, my thoughts, my insecurities, and even my desires, none of them were for the Lord to be glorified in my work.

I confess that I made school and academics and idol. I wanted so desperately to get straight A's my first semester of Grad School that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen: all-nighters, hours of reading texts, above and beyond the requirements of papers... the list goes on. There was a point this semester where I can recall completely ignoring God tugging on my heart to hang out with him, just because I knew I needed to read just one more page... or write just another paragraph... or get on campus just an hour earlier to study. When really he just wanted to spend time with me.

Education has always been something of great value in my life. I thought that it was a healthy thing to value, a good thing, a responsible value. However, looking back on the last couple of months I think I can see that even a value that is healthy, good, and responsible, can be corrupted by the Evil Jerk and crafted to not bring glory to our King. It can be manipulated, twisted, and disfigured in a way that no longer brings joy to His heart, but instead deep sadness. Sadness for how we have let go of Him, and lost sight of His love for us. My sinful nature did that this semester. I took a gift I was given from the Lord and managed to reconstruct it until I was the one getting the glory from it, and not the King.

Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death..."

The result of the sin that I have been living in is death. Which leads me to believe, that this is what can explain why the last couple of months have been so difficult for me. It's almost like I've been dieing... not literally of course, but rather my soul. Lately my mood has been somber, unmotivated, and just full of unnecessary sadness. I feel incredibly unworthy and inadequate in some of the roles I'm playing in life. I feel as if, I'm not doing a good enough job, or that the work I am putting forth is just barely satisfactory. I feel like I'm failing or I'm already defeated, when I know I'm not. I feel as if I'm a not being a dependable friend, I'm not loving enough, my words to the people I love are cold and emotionless. I think that's death for me right now.

When I'm avoidant to acknowledge the sin in my life, I typically refer to all of this as My Hermione Syndrome... my ridiculous need for nothing below an "Exceeds Expectations" in all categories, whether that is academics, spirituality, leadership, relationships, employment, mentoring/discipleship... the list goes on. I strive to do all of these things well, and as best as I can muster for the glory of ME... I mean, the Lord, of course. At some point this semester (and I don't know when) I get off course, again. I selfishly allowed other idols to come before God, and I just so happened to be one of them.

The rest of Romans 6:23 is poetic and perfect... "but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ."

I honestly don't get it. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how and why the Lord continued to love me, pursue me, and stand next to me throughout the last couple of months. One of His greatest commandments says that we shouldn't have any other idols before God, which is exactly what I did. Yet, He was still there. He never left me. I just don't understand why He would want me, a sinner? But He does - and He doesn't just want me now, but he wants me for eternity. That is unreal.

For some unknown reason the Lord has me here for a purpose. I don't know what it is, or why I have had to be in this ugly spot for the last several months, but that's reality right now. My character is being molded and shaped to become even a decimal closer to how the Lord wants me to be as a Daughter of the King. The pruning process is painful, emotionally difficult, and altogether not fun. However, I know in the end it will be worth it.


I urge you brothers and sisters, to confront your darkness, your sin, and repent of it. Allow the Spirit to work through your sin and into your life, so that you may be renewed. Trust that God is with you, He's not leaving your side. Believe that He takes great delight in you as His child, and accept His grace so that you can fully comprehend the depth and width of His redeeming love for you.

hi, it's my again... you're host.

confession: Grad school, a lot more work than I anticipated.
confession: I may have bit off more than I can chew this semester... semester is over, and I'm still kind of chewing.
confession: I probably ate 20 too many Oreos in the last four months.
confession: thanks to my roommates, I really enjoy the Big Bang Theory now... a bunch of funny nerds, what more could a girl ask for?
confession: I acknowledge it's been four months since I've blogged... and I am sorry, but I am back to redeem my efforts now. :)

Reflecting on the last couple months of my life, I can't help but be in awe of the how the Lord has continuously managed to work in my life. The last several months have been incredibly difficult for me. Life changes have been challenging, and the chaotic mess of learning how to become a responsible student again, as well as be successful in a job (that I have no clue what I'm doing at) has certainly presented some hurtles that I was not expecting. The things in my life that I would have once considered strengths, are becoming things that I acknowledge need to be tamed, before I abuse them. Gifts from the Lord are meant to be treasured and used for his glory, and at times this semester I have seen how I have taken the gifts he has given me and abused them in an incredibly unhealthy fashion. That is not fair to me and others in my life, but more importantly it's not fair to the Lord.

When we go through the different seasons in life, God has us constantly on a journey. A journey to find freedom, a journey to discovering truth, a journey towards our spouses, a journey on parenting then grand parenting.... we're constantly on a journey. Through the journey He is constantly teaching us valuable lessons about life and His character. Some of the lessons are much easier than others, most of them in the last couple months of my life have been insanely hard to trudge through. However, regardless of how difficult they would be, I certainly would not replace them for anything.

My journey over the last couple of months has been surreal and almost imaginary. I've found myself trying to find a balance with all of it - isn't that part of life... just trying to find a balance all of the time? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between pride fulness and unworthiness. I confess that when dear friends and loved ones in my life are attempting to encourage me and build me up, I either tune them out or verbally oppose their acknowledgements. If that's not happening, then I'm completely relishing in the praise and glory, and internally begging for more... consequently getting a big head over it. When I catch myself doing either of these, I get mad at myself. I mean for crying out loud, how could one person be at opposite ends of the pendulum... there has to be a balance. I need to find that balance. I'm walking a line of trying to discover humility and engulf myself in it's beautiful character, as well as allow the Spirit to work through loved ones in my life to encourage me and love me. I don't know what my deal is, but it's part of the journey.

Oh the journey... of course men are always a part of it in some fashion. No, I am not dating anyone. I have gone on a date or two, and I acknowledge that I have noticed guys noticing me more, but nothing more than that I think. Thanks to my sweet roommates, I can see now that I've been carrying a sign around the last couple of months that basically says... "Men, back OFF! I'm content!". By no means is that the message that I want to send out, however that is what it has looked like to people. Although I am content with where I am at, I'm learning that I need to be more open to other possibilities in my life. To allow and welcome the Spirit to work in my heart in healthy ways that I have never allowed it to before. I'm learning that it is OK to think about marriage, it is OK to think about whether or not someone could be compatible with you, and yes it is even OK to try and imagine yourself with someone to see if they might be who you're meant to be with. All of those things are OK - if done in a healthy manner. I've experienced how my mind works in an unhealthy way with these thoughts, and I don't want anything to do with them. However, it's time to allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind in healthy ways, that will help me to continue the journey in finding the man I've been created to help, love, and serve.

It's been breathtaking to see how the Lord has continued to pursue me the last several months, in ways that I never imagined He could. A year ago, I was begging God to pursue me, to love me, to show me His grace and support. I'm sure He was then, but I didn't feel it then, like I feel it now. I am in awe of how the Lord continuously stands firmly at my side, cuddling me, holding me, not letting go. He is present. He is here. He is not leaving.

Through all of my insecurities, sinful thoughts and actions, lack of confidence, I can honestly say that I am confident of this: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, and He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.

My hope and prayer for each of you this Christmas would be that you are able to reflect on the last year, and see what God has been teaching you. How has he defined your character to be more like His own, and what is He doing to show you that He is pursuing you, next to you, and not leaving. I hope that you and your kin have a very Merry Christmas.

I promise to be back before the New Year. :)

Much love,
Ashley

movies these days...

movie these days...

i don't get it. what's the deal? why do all of the romantic comedies have to be so vulgar now? last night kala and i went to see Stupid Crazy Love, it was actually a pretty good movie.... with the exception of some moral ridiculous non-sense that was unnecessary.

i just don't get it, you know? why can't they make movies like Sweet Home Alabama still? or even You've Got Mail....

all of the movies now are swarming into the culture that has so quickly engulfed the media, sex. sex has changed the culture of entertainment tremendously in the last decade alone. unfortunately, entertainment has big influence on our society. so... i think you know where i'm going with this, and i have a feeling it's only going to get ugly before it gets better.

praise god for last place.

Recently it has been brought to my attention (by several people), that I'm single.

Little do those people know... I know I'm single, and I am so thankful i am single, and I'm pretty sure my husband (whoever and where ever he is) is thankful that I am single as well.

I look back on the last 24 years of my life, and I realize that I haven't experienced a lot of romantic relationships in my life. I didn't date in high school, not really in college either.... except for boyfriend #1, which lasted a grand total of two months. I realized quickly into the relationship before I was too emotionally invested that he was not Mr. Right. Then, the year after college I had a random quick-fire relationship with boyfriend #2, which I would much rather completely forget ever happened instead of even mentioning again... bf#2 was definitely one of those relationships where you look back, and you wonder what in the WORLD WAS I THINKING?! Ha! Anyways, that ended too once I realized he wasn't Mr. Right. in both of those situations, the Lord protected me emensely. He really took care of me. He protected my heart from a world of new emotions I wasn't ready to be exposed to. My purity, in the midst of a world driven by sex and hormones for young adults. But most of all, He protected my spiritual well-being, for the Evil Jerk who is so ready to jump in and destroy our faith. Praise God for His protection over me!

In those years, I so desperately wanted to be with someone, not just anyone my husband. The Lord isn't kidding in Genesis 3, when He says that "woman will long for her husband, and he will rule over her". I craved something that I had never even had a small taste of, I craved a longing to be filled, an illusion in my mind to come true... i was willing to create romance and potential relationships where ever an opportunity presented itself (not so much acting on anything, but definitely creating scenarios in my heart and mind). On several occasions, i can recall walking into a room and just thinking (as soon as i met a single guy): "Could he be the one? Is this the man the Lord has for me? Maybe i should sit next to him... but i might smell bad, probably should sit across from him so he can still see me but not smell me... Oh, crap what's his name again?" Seriously... those were thoughts. Hillarious, I know! I'm laughing just as I type.

Or maybe it's not funny to you... maybe you can relate? If you can relate, please don't stop reading.

Finally about a year ago, I acknowledged that something was wrong with my mind and my heart. Why was I creating all of these ideas in my head? That's not who I am, that's not who I want to be... I'm NOT boy crazy! I'm NOT in NEED of someone..... I only NEED the Lord, I think... I want to only need the Lord... but my thoughts are not reflecting my heart's true desire. But that's just the thing, that wasn't my heart's true desire... my heart's true desire was to have my husband come into my life, not to have the Lord be the primary Romancer in my life. That's when I decided it was time, time to make a change, for good.

Last September, I started praying for my husband in a different way than I had ever prayed for him before. I used to say, "Lord bring me my man!" Now, it's more like, "Lord, protect your Son, my husband, on His path towards you, just as you have protected me."

Last September, I started reading a book about being the Bride of Christ, and I set down the Twilight series... I pulled myself away from all the books (that I didn't realize at the time) were actually pulling my heart into an attitude of being alone-longing for fictional romance. These books (not just Twilight, I'm just picking on those ones) slowly were taking away the idea of the Lord being my Husband my Romancer, and giving me an Earthly husband to worship over and long for, the opposite of what I actually want for myself. I knew that needed to end, right then and there!

Last September, I started controlling my mind and my thoughts, recognizing when I was creating situations in my mind, and killing them before they could begin to grow into something dangerous. That was hard, there's no accountability with your thoughts... only you know your thoughts (and the Lord, of course). Your mind can be a beautiful and yet, incredibly dangerous place to dwell. It's easy to fall short with our thoughts, it's easy to get lost in jealousy, judgement, creation of sin. The Evil Jerk knows our thoughts, and he knows how to get under our skin, and create thoughts that are not holy and pleasing to the Lord, and could potentially steer us away from bringing Christ the glory. Controlling our thoughts, and being honest about them when we fall short, is so crucial to allowing the Lord to work through the muck in our mind and pulls Him back to the center so He can be ultimately glorified.

Last September, I was asked out on a date by a guy, I would typically say no to guys like him. Good guy, just not my kind of good guy. He's not my husband, very much like a brother actually. I was going to just say no to him, even though I was flattered by him even asking... but I didn't, I said yes, and went anyways, because the Lord asked me: Why not Ashley? There's nothing to lose in this... That's when I realized, I didn't ask for a date with him.. I wasn't expecting a date with him... and the Lord presented me with an opporunity to be pursued by a man, for my beauty to be enjoyed, He gave me the confidence I needed - just by this little date, which seemed so insignificant at the time, but in reality, it's just what I needed.

Since then it's amazing and beautiful to see how the Lord has moved mountains in my life when it comes to "my love life". He has given me such a beautiful and relaxing peace that He does have a man for me, but first I must understand and see that He is the only man that I NEED in this life. It's one thing to say that God is all I need, but it's another to believe it, and not just try to convince myself of that.. but really believe that all I need in this life is the Lord. He's given me that, after months of praying and fasting, and trying to find trust in something that is unseen, He delivered me, and I'm finally where I need to be.

There are days that I look at my life, and I realize that I am the only single one in my group of friends, on my Church staff, at work, in my family.... that I'm in last place in the marriage race you might say. It would be easy for me to throw myself a pitty party, and sulk about it, but why? Nobody likes a party pooper, and the Lord would be hurt if I discredited my relationship with Him as anything less than what it is - and let's face it, Jesus is the most committed man I've ever encountered, that alone is incredibly attractive.

But you know what, I like last place.... it's fun, educational, spontaneous, there's freedom with last place, and I like it. Last place to me is almost like a gift from God. I can be selfish with my time for once, I've never been able to be selfish with my time, and I can now. I can go to Italy next summer if I want (cross your fingers for me), I can go out late on a Friday night spontaneously just for the heck of it, if I want. I get to hear about marital things and learn a few do's and dont's from friends as they try to figure out the whole marriage thing. I get to go to Grad School and not have to worry about whether or not it's a decision that will benefit me and someone else, I can just go and do it, because I want to. When I start a new job, or begin to look for a different one, I don't need someone's permission... I'm free to make my own decision regarding my professional life. I love it!

I get to be alone with the Lord, for a little bit longer. My heart only is sold to Him, He doesn't have to fight for any time with me, I'm all His. I love it.

I like last place because I can take all of the great ideas I've had from everyone else's wedding and adjust them to my perfect liking when I get married. I like last place because when I do get married, it's going to be the last big wedding with my family and my friends. It's going to be so much fun, and it's going to be worth it. I think it's worth the wait, however long the wait may be too. There are a lot of perks to being in last place... I like all of them.

From this light, last place looks really good.

home is where the heart is

how often does this phrase pop up in life: home is where the heart is.... often, i know. i feel like in my mom's kitchen there are at least three different magnets hanging on the frig with that exact phrase.

i was home this past weekend, just for the day on saturday, and it was so great. i was having so much fun with my family, and with my two close friends. it made me really miss being in Columbus, a lot. so much that the entire way home on saturday night i was wondering what life would be like if i lived in Columbus again. dreaming, wishing... hoping. praying for God to reveal His will. but then, as i was approaching BG on 75, i came around a slight bend. it's the spot of 75 that i love the most, because once you get to that bend the city of Bowling Green's water tower (one of six in this town) is finally revealed, and my first thought is always: "ahh, yes. i'm home."

and in that moment, i realized that my heart was literally torn in two pieces in regards to where my home is, Columbus and Bowling Green. this has never happened. i feel like when i made the switch in my heart from Columbus being my home to BG being my home, it was clear and concise, there wasn't any confusion. but now, i feel like i'm back peddling and longing for the home and comfort that Columbus offers me.

for so long BG has been the "safe zone" for me. i feel safe here because i know this place, i have friends here, my church is here, i have a job here, there's security in my life here in BG. if i ever moved back to Columbus, i would have to recreate my life down there, start over, start fresh.... i'm not sure that's an adventure i really want to do alone, as a single woman. and the idea of it all scares me.

i know i'm in BG for another two years, and i am happy and thankful for that. but what happens at the end of Grad School, at the end of two years... when life is there knocking again, and giving me a much needed reality check. hmm... i think i am really learning to appreciate why the Lord keeps most things a secret from us until the perfect time for us to know. it's because it's people like me who over think things, and just want to get it all figured out right away. and, where would the faith be in that?

my heart belongs to the Lord. home is where the heart is... if i'm going to find home, then i need to look at Christ first, and then i will find where i need to be and what i should be looking for. i encourage you to do the same, in case you're looking for your home.

Re: Mail Returned Undeliverable.

do you ever wish God had an email address? where you could just write in a quick prayer, and then wait for him to write back... sometimes i wonder what it would be like if he had an auto-reply for whenever he was on vacation. then, while i'm having these thoughts i'm reminded of the movie Bruce Almighty. the scene where Jim Carey (who is playing the role of God) is sitting in front of a computer, and he decides to make all of his prayers being received come in through email, and the inbox just keeps growing and growing with more and more prayers. if you haven't seen it, i suggest at least getting on youtube.com and checking out that scene.

i really think that that scene is such a great illustration of prayer life for God's creation. often we just throw up a small prayer here and there, or even big ones and we ask for things that seem to be unattainable. story of my life sometimes.

well, today i decided to try it.... you know the whole emailing God thing. so once i finished my prayer and was prepared to hit send, i fumbled upon a stumbling block. would God have a yahoo account or a gmail account? gmail... definitely gmail. it's the trendy thing. so i'm assuming God's email would be god@gmail.com.... so then i hit send.

within 30 seconds i had an inbox that held the subject line Re: Mail Returned Undeliverable and in the body of the email it read, "User god@gmail.com was not found, or does not exist." well, isn't that interesting. it's a good thing that i put my faith in the Almighty and not technology, otherwise i'd be lost.

what was sweet about my little test this afternoon, would be that even though i'm pretty stinking sure the Lord does not have an email (God-if you want to prove me wrong that would be SOO COOOL!), i know that he still received my prayer in his inbox.

what emails are you sending to God today?

ahhh, i'm back. :)

hello friends.

it's been awhile, and i take full responsibility for that, my apologies. life got kind of crazy there for awhile, well it still is kind of crazy. but i don't think that i would want it any other way right now. i enjoy the controlled chaos and whirlwind of life i've been tossed into, i enjoy it a lot actually.

i'm working, a lot. between my job at the agency and my position through brookside now, i dare say i have quite a full load. i'm still working at trying to manage the two jobs. some days are easier than others.

one of my dearest friends got married this past week, it was such a beautiful wedding! i cried a lot, which is normal i feel like, you know? well normal for me at least. it was such a breathtaking ceremony, full of so much love and fun, which is exactly who Danny and Kerry are, it was perfect. the reception was a blast, honestly one of the most fun receptions i've been to in awhile. it was like having a big party with all of my best friends, and i loved it. i can't wait to hang out with Ker too, so see how much she enjoyed it! i am so incredibly blessed to have the Stoots' in my life, such sweet friends they have been to me.

something i realized earlier this week was that i am not doing a good enough job at asking for people to pray for me, and sharing my prayer requests with people, and that is something that i need to be more willing to share and be vulnerable with. which is why, i've decided that from here on out, i am going to end each of my blog entries with a prayer request.

i assume that if you care enough about my life to check out my blog, then you probably wouldn't mind lifting me up in prayer for a brief moment either. i hope that by me doing this, i am also encouraging you to share your prayer requests with other people in your life as well, and i of course would be more than willing and would love to bless you by talking about your requests with God.

so here we go...

PR: my time. i'm trying to learn the best possible method at managing my time with all of the different hats that i am wearing right now. i need time to be on my side, and not the opposite. please pray that i am able to find a groove (and soon) that i can put into practice before this fall comes, and Grad school begins.

thanks friend. :)

answered prayers.

about two months ago, i was freaking out BIG TIME over two things: money & a place to live next year.

i feel like it's human nature to worry over things, but honestly i feel like women worry WAY MORE than men do... or we at least make our anxiety more known. most of us wear our emotions on our faces and carry our burdens on our shoulders like as if it's Santa's sack of gifts. i confess, i'm no different. when i'm worried about something, anxious, concerned... people know.

so two months ago i was worried about money. why money? ashley - don't you have a full time job, and haven't you been able to independently provide for yourself quite well for the past year and a half? yes, the Lord has blessed me with a job, and He has blessed me with being able to budget my money as well as I possibly can as an independent single woman - and for that i am incredibly thankful. my money concern was more for the future, in about four months when i become a Graduate student and quit my full time job, yes - that is where my worry kicks in. the unknown of where the money will come from, how i will pay for my bills, support the roof over my head, pay for my car payment.... and even more, how would i pay for Graduate school?

then, soon enough the intense search for a home began. once i realized i wasn't going to have the money to stay in my little one bedroom apartment again next year, i realized i was going to have to move. so i decided to move in with some roommates to cut back on my living expenses at least. which meant, house hunting began. naturally, i kicked into turbo mode and started looking everywhere for our perfect place. words can't express how many For Rent signs and postings in the Sentinel Classifieds i called just to get the best place asking the best for rent for us girls. as time progressed i began to get really frustrated and worried. frustrated because i felt like every plan i had was killed by some corrupt joke of life, and worried because time was ticking by so quickly and there weren't many places to choose from since they were getting snatched up so fast. so, the worry took over...

in matthew 6:25-30, the Lord breathes truth in my life (and yours) about worrying:

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you - you of little faith?"

this is so true! the Lord is going to take care of those things, He wants to take care of those things for me, He doesn't want me to waste my energy in worrying over something that He has complete control over... He wants me to trust Him. God wants me to learn to let go of my anxiety and stress and to just let Him take complete control of it.

at the Women's Retreat this past weekend, i had the opportunity to do just that, to let go of my concern and loosen the grip i had on my worry for money and where i was going to be living. friday night as i laid awake thinking about it, i finally let go and just let God take it from me. within minutes i was asleep. so the retreat came and went, by the end of it, i wasn't even thinking about money or where i was going to live in just a couple months.

the following day was Sunday, i woke up and went to church. a few friends of mine are moving to Columbus, and they are looking for some people to move into their house and rent it since the housing market is not at all worth attempting to sell. without getting high hopes, i emailed her and just let her know that my roommates and i would be interested in checking out their place if they are considering renting. the next day was Monday, i received a text message from my pastor, he wanted to know if we could meet Tuesday morning before i went into work... sure why not.

so Tuesday morning comes, and i went to the church office where Rev Kev offered me a part time job with the church, Children Ministries Director Intern, beginning this May. within hours, i got an email from my friend, Kelli, who is moving... she wanted to know if we could come and check out the house that night to see if we are interested in renting. in the last 24 hours, the Lord took care of me and answered my prayers. he provided money for while i'm a grad student, and an affordable roof over my head as well. the Lord is good! He takes care of His children, He does not want us to worry about life or the things we so easily worry about. He has us and He is not going to fail us, ever! His plan for us is so much bigger than what we could ever devise for ourselves (Eph 3:20).

so what about you...

what are you worrying about today? and is the worry worth it? maybe it's time to just let go.

broken bones and rolling leaves.

this morning i woke up in a delirious mess of chaos, this is typical. as i stumbled to the bathroom to begin my morning routine, i may have ran into my door frame, honestly, this too is typical. i turned on the shower, and then went back into my bedroom to gaze through my wardrobe, fumbling around to find a suitable outfit for the day, again typical... however, what is not typical is what i am about to share with you.

a few minutes after all of this, when i finally decided that the shower had more than likely reached a desirable temperature, i clambered back into the bathroom. one foot in the tub... correction, one foot on the slippery surface of the tub and the following sequence of events happened in slow motion....

one foot onto the slippery surface of the tub, left hand trying to regain balance with the shower curtain (this was poor choice number one). left hand met the shower curtain and clung to dear life, then pulled way too tightly (poor choice number two), shower curtain comes down like Niagra Falls right after a flood in Canada, and then the shower curtain rod hits me in the back of the head. i am knocked into the shower, i try to grab onto the wall for support (poor choice number three), however this is unsuccessful because the wall was wet, and also slippery.... so naturally, my hand looses against my body weight... face/head crashes into the side of the shower and down i go....

as the shower water continued to fall on my face as i lay there, i hear the man in the apartment above me say, "Holy Cow, I think she just fell in the shower!" yes - i may have been screaming when this unfortunate circumstances erupted. after about thirty seconds (which felt like a half hour) of laying in the bottom of my shower, one leg in one leg dangling over the tub side, neck turned in the most uncomfortable angle in life, i managed to buff up the courage to stand. (welcome final poor choice of the morning...) as i began to hoist myself up out of the awkward form my body was in, i was almost to my feet when i slipped once more, and my toe got caught in the drain.... and it broke. my foot bares witness to a whole new meaning of sausages for toes. you should see my toe, it's pitiful.

surprisingly still, i had an awesome day! :)

went to brookside, and then lunch with some dear friends. and today, instead of going to my typical spot at Panera, i ventured to City Park and joined all of the other sun indulgers on this beautiful day! first i spent some quality time with the Lord, then i took a nap... and then i created an "i wish grocery list", which consisted of things i would purchase if i had the money to do so.

as i laid there on my faithful tee shirt blanket, i couldn't help but be over come with the Lord's presence in the wind. one of my prayers today was that i would be able to see the Lord's presence while i was with him this afternoon, and believe it or not, but the God of the Universe revealed himself to me. i revealed himself to me in the power of the wind, in the brightness of the sun, in the rolling of the leaves, and in the gentleness of a mother pushing her son on a nearby swing. during my nap, in my dreams he was there, whispering, comforting, caring. the presence of the Lord was made known to me today, for real... how cool is that? how sweet it was to be cared for by our Savior like that today. just another way He is choosing to romance me and love me and take care of me. i enjoyed, and ravished in the love of that moment. i am blessed.

all in all today was perfect, minus the broken extremity that will just have to heal on its own.

today marks day 28 in the dress, four more days to go.... i wish i could say the same for the Daughters.

a couple of days ago, i new friend of mine sent me this video on Facebook, i'd like to share it with you today. this woman is beautiful and powerful. check out the site, and see how the Lord is moving through her...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KQ9xG3yWfw

here's the equation... the beautiful equation.

day 23.

wow. i honestly have no freaking clue how Amy is wearing the same dress for six months straight. i feel like that is so crazy. as i'm getting ready some mornings, i stare at my hoodies and jeans and yearn for their comfort.... i miss them. and then when i turn and look at my grey dress, sometimes i cringe... knowing what the weight of it means each day.

another day wearing the dress, just marks another day of young girls being traded into the sex trafficking industry. the weight is heavy.

i owe a lot to this dress though, i will say that. well... not just the dress actually, the book Captivating as well.... and yes - the Holy Spirit of course. so, i guess what i'm saying is, the perfect equation including these three factors, has given me a sum that i never would have imagined would have been the outcome. and i love it.

here's the equation:

1 dress 1 month + Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge +the Holy Spirit = ???? the sum ????

1 dress 1 month

the one dress campaign, a project created to raise awareness for the Daughter Project as well as the organized crime of sex trafficking and child exploitation happening within our midst. i'm wearing one dress, yes the same grey dress, for one month, yep... that's 30 days. me, wearing a dress for a month straight? yes - this is a fact. it's been interesting, and i've had to be creative nonetheless. just check out my facebook.

Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge

ok, so i'm not going to go into magnificent detail on this one, but basically i love this book! this is my second time reading it, and it's so good this time around! learning more about God's creation in women, that we are the crown of His creation, that we are beautiful, that we are a treasure to be cherished, that He is our ultimate romancer and lover with such a tender and warm heart.

the Holy Spirit

need i say more?

all of those things added in one equation...

=

a renewed heart and spirit in me. an attitude that is worthy of what my Creator is offering me. He helped me regain my femininity and really relish in my beauty as a woman through these things.... and through it, i've found such a solid delight in seeing that i am a beautiful woman, that i can embrace my femininity.

to all of my girlfriends out there, i encourage you to really dwell in a place where you will be able to allow the Lord to speak into your life and reveal your beauty to you. it's life altering once you realize just how beautiful you really are.

day one.

today marks the first day of me wearing one dress for one month. i wanted to take a picture and post it on here for you guys by my camera was being dumb. i think it's probably time for me to just get a new one, but realistically i can't afford it... and i never take pictures anymore. but a camera might motivate me to take more pics... ? hmmm, something to ponder.

so let me tell you about day one. it started at 4:30 am (lent agreement with God is still going strong!!), the alarm went off and I rolled out of bed. i've noticed that i am incredibly low functioning that early in the morning, so it literally takes me 20 mins to get my sweats and a tee shirt on, brush my teeth and leave me apartment. it's absurd. so this morning, in my time spent with Jesus i had the opportunity to pray for the Daughter Project, and for the lives of young girls who are victims of this horrible reality of sex trafficking. i continued to pray for them throughout my time at the Community Center, at one point while i was running i thought that i was going to have to stop and control my heart because i was so overcome with emotion for them.

when i got home, i went through the motions of my typically morning routine. pack my lunch, shower, do my hair, figure out what to wear..... figure out what to wear... there's usually freedom in that decision. freedom to choose which pair of jeans, or which cardigan... that's a freedom we all get every single morning, but that's not a freedom these girls get, the ones that are enslaved; whose youth, childhood, virtue, innocence, smiles, and laughter are stolen from them. those girls don't have those freedoms, who knows what piece of fabric or lack there of they are forced to pull on each day.

as i pulled the dress on over my head this morning, i felt the weight of this burden, their burden. i felt the weight of this cause, the ministry of the Daughter Project. the dress was heavy.

i did what i could (with the no fashion sense i have) to make this dress rock! i went to work, clocked in, and the first person to see me asked me if i had a job interview today or something, because i NEVER wear dresses to work. i chuckled and let her in on my not so secret, secret. you could see it in her face, the shock. as i continued to tell her about the Daughter Project's ministry, and stories of sex trafficking right in our backyard of Toledo, she interrupted me and said, "how much do you want? where do i give, can you take a check?" wow.... i wasn't even clocked into work for fifteen minutes, and already God was using this dress - well shoot, i don't think i even had the dress on a whole hour at that point. that's so unbelievable to me, to Him be the glory!

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I pray that interactions like this one happens more and more throughout my month, and not just for me, but for all of the women who have chosen to dedicate a month, or two months... or six. I pray that the young girls who are enslaved find their freedom from their darkness sooner rather than later, and I pray that when they see the light, they know that it's the Lord, offering them comfort and healing in a way they have never experienced it before. Father let them know they are loved and beautiful... let them know they are loved Jesus.

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tis the season.... of lent.

i wasn't raised catholic, or in a church that really practiced lent. of course, of course our church celebrated the Lent season with the five or six purple candles or whatever.... but the idea of sacrificing or giving something up for 40 days wasn't really talked about too much i don't think. or maybe it was and i just always tuned the pulpet guy out..... that's probably more realistic.

so Lent... for the first time in my life, i'm doing it. and not just to do it and say i'm giving this up... but i'm doing it and i mean it. to Him alone be the glory and praise! and trust me if i'm able to get through 40 days of doing this, it will be to His glory!

for the past several weeks i've began to notice that sleep has become not only a necessity in my life, but a guilty pleasure.... scratch that, we'll just go straight to the point, it's totally an idol. i care more about sleeping and going to bed early, waking up late, ect... ect... then i do about most things, it's sick. the other night i fell asleep at 10pm, it was glorious... until about 10:30pm... when the people upstairs were being RIDICULOUSLY loud and woke me up, from my slumber... you know what my response was? i started screaming at them, through the ceiling! i know they didn't hear me, but i kept screaming... i mean for crying out loud, seriously ashley? that was the turning point for me. that's when i knew that i was out of control.

looking back i just laugh at the thought of the other night, i was yelling at the ceiling. weirdo.

so in my attempt to get over this, i have decided that every morning from now until East Sunday, i will be waking up at 4:45am. ouch...... yep, that's correct, 4:45am. that gives me an hour to do some much needed cardio, but more importantly an hour to meditate in the Word and prayer. then off to work by 7:30.

this morning marked day 1, and let me tell you it was a success! my state of mind in approaching all of it was centered on Christ, and it needs to be in order for this to continue. i am not now... nor have i ever been a morning person... but sweet Jesus by the time Easter comes, He is going to make me one. i'll be sure to keep you posted on how this goes for me. i'm sure a post here and there will give updates.

ALSO - if you aren't participating in Lent just because you can't think of something to give up, or because you don't think that it would be because of God... well then i just want to take a minute to encourage you to rethink that, and really dig deep into your heart about what sacrifice means to you, and what it would mean to our Father if you chose to do it. i'm not saying, give something up tonight... maybe your lent won't start til Saturday, or May.... and you know to me right now that's ok. Lent is about celebrating the life, death, and resurrection of our Savior and being born new through His power. the practice of the 40 days of Lent is for His followers to honor Him and glorify His Name and sacrifice by giving something up that causes them to sacrifice. just because it's Lent now, doesn't mean this isn't something we should only practice this time of year, it's something to be celebrated all the time.

my prayer is that we as believers know this in our hearts, and desire to be men and women who act on our faith. that we take hold of our fears and the darkness they penetrate and conquer them with the power of the Holy Spirit through our actions and our prayers.

shout out to my girl Sophie, thanks for reading. i pray that you know how deeply loved you are by God, and that He shows you just how beautiful you are. love you friend. :)

adult lesson #58 (and still counting)

not sure where my parents dropped the ball on this one... maybe it should have come somewhere between how to fill the gas tank and when to stop filling your tires with air..... regardless, they failed to tell me this:

in the state of Ohio, you have to re-register your car on your birthday and get new tags. and here's the kicker... if you don't you get fined.

the cop informed me of this law this evening after he flicked on his lights and pulled me over about three feet away from my apartment complex.

sweet mom and dad.... sweet. on the bright side, the cop was cute.... my luck - probably married with three kids at home, but nonetheless adorable.

So... $100 to BG Municipal Courts this week, means I get to reschedule my hair appointment to next month and my Panera coffee treats are no limited to only two more visits this month.

Lesson of the day - start asking other adults more questions about being an adult instead of trying to figure it out by yourself, it's ok to ask for help.

No use crying over spilled milk.

If you could be any day of the week, which day would you be?

Sunday. It's the only day of the week that I actually enjoy waking up for, I cherish sleep entirely too much. I love waking up on Sunday mornings, the anticipation for what my day will bring is incomparable to any other day of the week for me. Starting with Brookside and being with my church family, embracing the glory of our Lord with community, and all that experience brings. I love not having any time obligations, and just enjoying the sabbath for what it is meant to be. Sundays guarantee at least one meal with friends. I just like everything about Sundays.

So today, I had the opportunity to do all of those things, and it was just so rich. I also took some time to do some productive studying/reading at Panera while enjoying a nice cup of Hazelnut coffee... love that stuff. While I was there, I couldn't resist... I took the opportunity to people watch, I know, typical. I love it though. Let me tell you today, was no let down either. One observation stuck with me all day today, a young girl eating lunch with her father. I'm going to assume that she was probably about six years old, and she was eating soup in a bread bowl. When her dad set the plate down in front of her, she picked up the bread bowl and attempted to lick the side where some of the soup spilled over the edge. As she was tilting the side of the bowl up, the scene played out in slow motion... she kept tilting the bowl up, the soup swam to the side, and then just like Niagra, the falls came.... Cheddar Broccoli soup gushed all over the table, and kept flowing... and flowing. By the time her dad had noticed what happened, all of the soup had spilt from the bread bowl and onto the table. I held my breath...

I remember when I was younger, I was the clumsiest child ever (some things never change), and it was a daily routine that I would reach for something on the table, and my milk glass would tumble and spill all over the main course, or into my mother's lap, or right onto the floor. I remember the look on my dad's face every time that happened... exhaustion and frustration, his lips would flatten, eyes would tighten and that's when I knew.... become as small as you possibly could, because you were in trouble... big trouble.

When this young girl's father saw what happened, he looked at the mess, and looked at her with a blank expression... she was on the verge of tears behind her thick purple rimmed glasses, her cheeks were beginning to pink. Without a second thought, her father placed his hand on arm and smiled. With no words, he took his napkin and wiped off her face with some soup residue that was lingering from where she had licked the side of the bread bowl. Then he said to her, "Hey little missy, don't worry your pretty little face off, I'll take care of it." and then smiled.

What a beautiful illustration of a father's love for his daughter... for the Father's love for his daughters. When we mess up, or fall short, the Lord is there wiping off our faces first, tending to our needs and caring for us first, before ever focusing His attention to the mess that we made. He cares about the well being of our hearts and souls and emotions more than anything. He's always prepared with napkin in hand to wipe off our faces, and say beautiful. Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, in His love He will no longer rebuke you, and He will rejoice over you with singing." How encouraging is it to hear that the ultimate Father views us just like that? Breathtaking.

Please do not think by the story I shared in regards to my childhood and spilling milk was how my dad always was and is.... because that would certainly be the worst impression of him. My father is just human, not God. He's actually the best dad a girl could ever ask for, sweet Lord I'm tearing up just writing this. Knowing in my heart that my father is awesome, and loves me so much, that he would do anything for me, even when I spilled milk at dinner makes it difficult for me to think that our Heavenly Father could love me more than that.... but He does.

I love learning more and more about the Father's love for me. I love that I see His love played out daily in my life and in the lives of others, including strangers at Panera. I'm looking forward to this week, and seeing how God's love shows up... and I think I owe my dad a phone call, remind him that I love him.

The Search Begins...

Here I am again. Every year, around this time, I begin the search... the search to find my next living situation. For the last six years that I have lived in Bowling Green, I have lived in a different place. I know more about property managers, old houses, and apartment complexes than I care to know about. But, this year is no different, I'm searching again.

This time I will only have one roomie, my new dear friend, Katie Barnett. We've talked about what we both want in a place to live. We share the desire to love and serve our friends in our home through the avenue of entertaining. So last week I started looking around and seeing what is available for rent. I made a couple of calls to different property managers and landlords who some of my friends rent from, no availabilities til August. Shucks.... we need a place in late May. So I turned to the Sentinel, something about going through a private owner instead of a business or whatever, is just way more attractive to me. I honestly think that private owners care more about the property, the well-being of the home, the tenants that they lease to, and everything in between.

So I checked out a few different places this week, and I told Katie I'd report back to her with anything that I thought she'd like. One place was cool, kind of spacious for just two people, and the gas bills could have been a bit too much. This other place smelled like cats and stale smoke, similar to my great aunt Clara's home, so a definite no. But then, there was this really cool place I just saw this afternoon, I liked it a lot. It's an vintage victorian style house on Main Street in BG, it's a duplex, and the upstairs apartment is available for rent. Two spacious bedrooms, large living area, big bathroom, and cozy kitchen with an upstairs porch to relax on.

I met the landlords this afternoon, and they are the cutest couple ever. Really neat characters, and I can tell that they care about the property after I talked to them. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up about it.... but I really hope that this apartment works out, and Katie likes it. She's out of town until next week, so between now and then I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed, hoping that they don't rent it out to someone else in the mean time.

I hope that this stage of life, transitioning from place to place, stops soon. I really hope that wherever it is that I move to next, that I am there for awhile. I'm tired of moving, it's exhausting, and not my cup of tea. So we shall see. That's all that's really new for me though. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on what happens next.

No new updates on Stella, except I think that she'll be coming to the Women's Weekend. :)

yay!

President's Day = Agency Closed

I don't think I could have been more happy to go to bed on a Sunday evening last night. Typically, it's the least favorite part about my weekend, however last night I was able to close my eyelids knowing that there was no need to set an alarm, because tomorrow was President's Day!

I'd like to take this moment and thank all of the Chiefs of State (past and present), if not for you and your efforts to better, or in some cases unintentionally worsen, our great Nation I wouldn't have had today off of work. Ergo, I salute you! :)

As most of you are aware by now, I work full time at Wood County Job and Family Services in the Income Maintenance department as a Caseworker. I determine eligibility for Food Assistance, Cash Assistance, and Medicaid. I have been working at the Agency for a little over four years, but in this position for almost two years.

This morning, I woke up at 8:00am, which was fabulous! In my opinion, 8:00am is like the best time to wake up in the morning. It's not too late and it's certainly not early, it's just right. Got out of bed, grabbed a book and then clambered back into bed with a PB&J for breakfast and my book. I read for about an hour and a half (practically half the book) and then decided to I should do something productive with my life, so I went to the Community Center for a bit.

The Community Center, second best place in Bowling Green to people watch. GFT is totally first. My favorite place to people watch there is in the weight lifting area, especially if you're there between 4pm-6pm Monday-Friday, because guys' weightlifting is just funny to me. Their facial expressions, the way they walk, the level of noise they have their headphones set at... I think it's called SCREAM on the dial. When I'm on the track, I also enjoy creating life stories of the people on the track with me.. their names, their jobs, what they're thinking about, what they were doing before they got there today. It's just another way to allow my mind release energy and avoid focusing on the pain of exerting my body for a small amount of time. Sometimes my Glee playlist doesn't always do the trick.

So after a fun filled day of doing nothing, and loving it, it's now Monday night, about 10:20(ish), and that means just one thing..... time for bed, then time for work. Now, typically I would enter some complaint or heavy sigh about how much I hate going to work... however, tonight I couldn't be more thankful to say that I get to wake up in the morning and I get to go to work and clock in, because I am BLESSED to have a job.

There are so many, so many people who are jobless right now. And I can promise you fellow bloggers, that those people would bend over backwards and do anything to switch roles with me, just so they would have employment. Regardless of how hard it may be, how boring the workload is, or how slowly the time passes... bottom line remains, I have a job.

Not just any job, but one that offers health insurance, guaranteed pay every two weeks, evenings and weekends off, holidays off.... like President's Day. Opportunities for vacation time and comp time, and a personal day on top of that..... I'm only 24, and I have a job that some people would work their whole life to obtain. Such a genuine blessing, that I am so incredibly thankful for. And on top of all that, I get to be a light for the Kingdom to my coworkers (like Stella, see previous post) and to my clients. I am able to offer them a genuine love and kindness through the Father, in such a dark and hard time of their life, such a rich opportunity.

On Friday my supervisor gave me some super sweet information... they support me in going to Grad School, and they understand that it's something that I want and need to do full time. They also told me that if I choose to continue working full time, they would be as flexible as possible to make sure that school is my priority. But if need be, part time is also an option...

To top it all off... she told me that my request regarding the dress code at our Agency was approved for me. About two weeks ago, I informed my supervisor and the Director of our Agency that I was interested in partaking in a cause that would take form through fashion, and that I was planning on wearing the same dress for one month. However, I knew that in order to do this I would have to be sure that it wouldn't be out of line with the dress code policy. My request to do 1 dress for 1 month was authorized. Starting March 15th, I will be walking alongside Amy, and countless other woman to support and raise awareness for the Daughter Project. FOR THE DAUGHTERS!

For all of these reasons, I am thankful that I have not any job, but my job.

notecards for Stella.

After church this morning, I headed back to my apartment for an early lunch and had full intentions of going to the Community Center for my Sunday mid-afternoon run (I say like as if I normally do that on Sundays, and I don't... I felt the need to be honest there). However, I was feeling particularly proud of my hair today, and I didn't want the ponytail to ruin my luscious locks, so instead I went to Panera to be productive.

For the past week I have been trying to carve out time to work on this project thing that I created in my mind for a good friend of mine. My friend, we'll call her Stella, is on her spiritual journey and seeking answers and asking questions about who Jesus is, what his purpose is, ect. So, I wanted to take the opportunity this Valentine's Day to share with her the most beautiful love story ever, the story of Jesus the Christ.

So, that's what I set out to do at Panera today. It was suggested to me this weekend by a dear friend and mentor, Kimberly, to give Stella notecards on a ring that way she can take them apart if she'd like, and maybe carry it with her if she wants to... I liked the idea, so I ran with it.

As I went through the four gospels, choosing which miracles, stories, and encounters I wanted to include in the love story to build the character of Christ I couldn't help but be reminded of when I had heard these stories for the first time. Before I knew it, there I was in the middle of Panera teary eyed and over come with emotion. I was so thankful in that moment for how the Lord moved in my heart, for how is was speaking to me, for me, about those scriptures I was reading. In that moment, I felt such a sense of urgency in what I was sharing. I so longingly would love to see Stella find her home in the arms of Jesus, and for her to see the beauty of His life and sacrifice.

In Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love, he writes about an older woman named, Grandma Clare (or maybe it's Clara - anyways). When this woman describes her morning routine and time with the Lord, she says that when she's done each day, she is so excited and anticipates the next morning when she can be with Jesus again, that she is moved to tears. Gosh, wouldn't it be awesome to be a woman like that, to have the longing for that intimacy with God the way Grandma Clare does? Even an ounce of that would be so moving to behold, to treasure. Not only do I want that for my own spiritual journey, but I crave that for Stella. I pray that she not only finds true life at the foot of the cross, but that she finds true and irreplaceable intimacy in her relationship with the Father.

I plan on giving these notecards to Stella tomorrow, for Valentine's Day. I've never been the mushy-gushy Valentine's Day is awesome kind of girls, however tomorrow is a day to celebrate love and relationships. What better way to do that, then by giving my friend the greatest love story ever told, and His desire to share that love with us.

I'll be sure to keep you posted about Stella.

Micah goes to Meijer.

After a few months of abandoning my blog, I can proudly say that I am back! I had a bit of some encouragement from a good friend and fellow blogger, that helped me put some perspective back into my blogging adventures. So here I am, ready or not! ;)

So the Super Dee-Duper Bowl is today, yeah... big deal. I honestly have no idea who is even playing, nor do I care quite frankly. However, I will say this, I am so excited about the post game! Glee will be making it's Season 2 Volume 2 debut after the game, and I am stoked! I've been waiting for this moment for two months! Yes, seriously! It's going to be fabulous, and I cannot wait. Also, it will be fun to celebrate in the festivities with some close and dear friends.

Since my last post, I do have some updates. You'll be happy to know that I was accepted to Grad School at BGSU!! Woo-hoo! I'll be starting this coming fall, so August of 2011, and I cannot wait! It's going to be awesome! Totally ready to get back to the books, wow... I honestly never thought that I would say that! :)

This morning at Brookside, our Church family did something really cool. We ended early and headed to Meijer to contribute to the needs of a local food pantry here in Bowling Green. It was awesome! Well over 200 people from Brookside were storming the aisles of the store filling our carts full of goods to fill the empty cabinets and shelves of families and children within this community who are in desperate need of food. Our church filled over 6 truck loads of grocery needs for the food pantry. As this beautiful chaos was going on, my friend (and fellow B-sider) Holly and I were asked to help watch over the little kiddos as they too carried their purchases to the trucks.

Check this out: The children in our Children's Ministry collectively pulled their moneys together to also contribute to our Church's mission in giving to the food pantry. As the kids were checking out at the register (with help from a parent of course), I had the chance to ask them some questions about what they were doing, and it was so beautiful to hear their hearts through their responses. Here's a glimpse at one of the conversations I had today with my little friend while we were walking out to the truck. The beautiful part is, he's only six.

Me: Hey Micah, where is all of this food going?

Micah: Into that truck.

Me: Do you know where that truck is going?

Micah: Yeah, to the Food Pantry.

Me: Ohh, and what's that?

Micah: I don't know for sure, but I know that they need our help, and that's why I got to get groceries today with my brother.

I was totally caught off guard by his response. What a testament of faith and a heart longing to help and serve, coming from a six year old! How beautiful! It's amazing how easy it is for us to get in a mind set where we feel like giving and serving is a burden or something we have to do... when in reality it's more like what Micah said, we get to do it.

What a blessing it is for me to be a part of a Church family that desires to bless it's community.