lois.

i'm pretty sure that if i did that whole "smart phone - 4 square" thing, then i would be the mayor of Grounds for Thought this week. i have been here more this week, then i have been at work... ok so that would be a dramatization. but i have been here a lot this week. studying for the gre has become my primary priority this week. i scheduled the test last week, and i am due to take it on monday 11/08/2010, yes that is this monday. am i nervous... terribly! i feel like i am going to throw up in my mouth twice. you know what i'm talking about, it's that feeling where you're about to stand up in front of a room full of 150 of the world's best food critics and you're trying to convince them that your hot pocket is the best after school snack. yep, it's like that, just like that.

so i'm here at grounds, trying to focus on studying, but being awful at it. way too many distractions here tonight. i'm currently sitting at a small table that is sitting between several other small tables, and i'm honestly more engaged in the conversations going on around me and the mannerisms of the people around me, more than studying in this moment.

to my left: four undergraduates i'm assuming, three girls, and a guy. he's studying for his philosophy mid term that's tomorrow, clearly not studying too hard, i think he fancies the red head that sits across from him. don't blame him, she seems pretty cool. i like her hair, and she's reading blue like jazz, good book right there friends.

directly in front of me: two old men playing scrabble, elderly men. they are so cute. one of them smiles a lot, the other is just here for the coffee i think. i've seem them here a lot actually, always playing scrabble. they're totally GFT regulars, i bet they are life long friends too.

to my right: young couple, clearly breaking up with one another right now. it's sad to see actually... i'm not sure how it got to this point for them, but it's difficult watch. his blood shot eyes scream that he's shed quite some tears today, or at least in the last couple of hours. her face seems transparent almost, i think she's just ready to go home. poor folks. don't envy them in this moment at all.

then there's me in 50 years, here in the flesh. love her. she's a great woman, well i think she is. i haven't actually had the privilege of meeting her yet, i call her lois. she looks like a lois. she's a shorter woman, her body is very much like an apple. short hair, a little gray, big bangs... bright pink lipstick, lime green and orange wind-breaker jacket with gray and white thin striped long sleeve tee shirt. she's sporting some khakis that are entirely too short for her, thick brown socks with pink polka dots all over them, and of course Crocs. yes, she's wearing Crocs with socks. i'm pretty sure she is me in 50 years, and that's ok... i like her. my first encounter with her, happened about two and half years ago. it was here, at grounds, i walked in and i saw her sitting at one of the tables reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, sipping on a cup of coffee, and an empty Diet Coke can in front of her... my kind of woman. i love her, lois. she doesn't know it yet, but we are best friends. i have full intentions of inviting her to my next birthday party, not sure if i'll ever have another birthday party, but if i do... she is TOTALLY invited! :)

well friends, i love chatting with you. but let's be honest with one another, i really need to study. otherwise, there will never be a high school guidance counselor with the last name Rozelle. enjoy this lovely fall weather, it's almost gone (sigh).

The Path.

I have never explored BG's bike trail til the other day. It's a trail that goes from Bowling Green to Rudolph, and maybe even past Rudolph actually. This time of year it's so beautiful! The colors of fall fill the entire scene, just breathtaking! Mmm, I love it! I think I might go back tomorrow.

So, in this journey called life... I made a big daring move and scheduled an appointment to take the GRE test. Well, there's that. $200 for the test, $50 for BGSU's application, $65 for OSU's application... combine all that, and we just exceeded more than 25% of my one month's take home pay. Haha! Oh Grad School, you better be the best Earthly decision I've made in this lifetime.

Are we ever sure in life what our path actually is? I'm mean honestly, in reflection of my own life I feel like I have been SOOO sure of SOOO many different things or paths in my life, and in reality I couldn't have been more wrong. When I was seven, I wanted to be dentist. Not sure what or who put that twisted thought in my childhood mind, but I was dead set on doing just that. Went to college to become a teacher, and boy was that a bad idea. I learned quickly that I would have been an awful teacher, lesson plans = BOOOO! Sophomore year of college, I went on part time staff with Young Life, and by the time I was a senior I was positive, 200% positive that I was going to be on full time staff for Young Life. Again, that path I was so sure of, SOOO sure of was terribly wrong for me.

God has such a surreal plan for me, I know and trust He does. He has me in the palm of His hand. I have learned that I will never really know what my path is in this life, but as long as I remain to walk in the Light He's provided me with, my path will be there. Maybe not always clear, but it will be there. Today, that is good enough for me.

1,358 miles

So, for those of you who don't know, I went on a road trip this past week. It was great! I had a lot of fun. My friend Becky has the opportunity to do a year long internship at one of Young Life's properties, Crooked Creek in Colorado. She had to be there on October 1st, and well we thought it would be fun to do a ROAD TRIP!!

So we departed from Bowling Green, Ohio on Monday evening and traveled the 1358 miles to Colorado. It was a lot of fun! Along the way, we stopped in at Chicago for some site seeing, then onto Davenport, Iowa where we hung out with one of our old roommates, Jamie. After that we ventured to Omaha, Nebraska to visit with our dear friends, the Core family. It was so nice to be with all of those people, and just enjoy our time together. Finally on Friday afternoon, Becky dropped me off at the Denver International Airport, where I started my trek back to good old

O-H-I-O!

While I was waiting at the airport for the plane to arrive, I couldn't help but people watch. Airports are such great places to people watch, seriously! What a good variety of characters Denver had to offer that day too. For about forty minutes I sat across from an Austrian man who delighted in picking his nose and wiping it on the stand next to him. To be honest, I was disgusted, however I couldn't help but find humor in the situation, full grown man picking his nose... gross, yet funny.

Out of all the situations I got to witness at the airport, one in particular sticks out to me. I'll never forget this image either, it's a beautiful reminder. As we boarded the airplane, I took notice a little girl, she looked like she was probably 12, and with a middle-aged man, who I assumed at the time was her father.

So I boarded the plane, tucked my old Adidas gym bag carryon up into the overhead compartment, and settled into my window seat for the three hour and 25 minute plan ride back to Detroit. The little girl, and her father were seated right in front of me, I was intrigued by all of the questions this curious pre-teen had, it must have been her first time flying. In the beginning most of her questions where about the plane, and the airport. Her father let her imagination run wild with different thoughts of pilots, flight attendants, run-ways, ect. When we took off, she was giggling uncontrollably, so naturally I couldn't help but giggle and smile myself at her child like spirit. Once the plane was stabilized, I put my headphones in and turned on the Glee playlist on my iPod to tune out my surroundings and take advantage of the stillness for a bit. Don't you judge me... Glee is awesome.

After about forty-five minutes into the flight my playlist had come to an end, and in the few seconds of my scrolling through other playlists to see what musical options was next, I couldn't help but over hear the conversation going on in front of me between the little girl and her father. I pulled out my headphones and just listened. The young girl was asking her dad a series of questions about Heaven. She wanted to know what it would be like, if we would sit on clouds, if we could see our friends and family on Earth, if her old pet turtle "Snaps" would be there.... listening to her father answer each question so patiently and lovingly was beautiful. She would pause after each of his answers, I'm assuming soaking in everything he was telling her.

After about a ten minute break in their conversation, I figured that she was done asking questions and their conversation had come to a complete end. It even looked like she was preoccupied staring outside the window. I was about to find something else to keep myself busy for the remainder of the flight, until... she spoke again. This time, I too was anxious to hear what her father would say. She asked her dad, what Jesus' love felt like.

Her dad paused, and then stumbled over his words a little bit, trying to find something satisfying to say to his little girl. Then finally, he formed a sentence and said, "Indescribably magnificent, I cannot give words that come close to comparing how I feel knowing Jesus loves me". He compared his love for her, and asked her how she felt knowing that he (her daddy) loved her. And then, he said that it was like that times infinity plus one. She laughed, and told her him that he was silly, and then continued to stare out the window.

Indescribably magnificent. Words cannot describe how it feels to be loved by the God of the Universe. I feel like I often get caught up in an intense desire for the Young Life girls I lead to know the God I know, and to understand His love, beautiful love for them. Don't get me wrong, I know that this is a good thing to have, but at times I forget what it really means to be loved by God. To be loved by a powerful, fearing, strong tower of compassion, hope, and peace. To be loved by a God who knows my heart, who created me perfectly in His image, just as I am.

I needed the reminder of how great the Father's love for us is... I needed to have that image again. It resurfaced through the curiosity of that little girl, and I am thankful for it. I am amazed how He uses His children to breathe light and purpose back into the lives of His other children. Her child like faith reminded me of the truth I needed, the truth that I all too often forget.

I am loved by Jesus.

Mysterious Doormat.

Here's a long one for you, hope you're prepared. Pardon my grammar errors, I honestly could careless right now. :)

Wyld Life camp was last week. To be honest with you, at first was completely nervous and apprehensive about going. I wasn't sure if I was adequate enough to do what needed to be done at camp, and ensure that those girls would have the best week of their lives. I wasn't entirely positive that I was spiritually there with the Lord to survive what can be an exhausting and long week. My nervousness surfaced the night before we left when I was attempting to cram as many possible things into the only suitcase I had available, thankfully I was able to make all of the items fit into the emerald box on wheels. I acknowledged the negative thoughts running through my mind, and eventually those thoughts swelled into a large concentrated emotion that sat at the pit of my soul, I really wasn't ready to be a Wyld Life leader, and most certainly not prepared to lead a cabin at camp.

I sucked it up, woke the next morning and tried to regain composure as best as I could for the next five days. When we arrived to Rockbridge (two hours late) we were immeadiately headed to the first Leader's meeting where OJ, our head leader, might has well have punched me in the face with the hand of God. The reality check came so swiftly and unexpected I'm still amazed I that I didn't get lock jaw from my mouth hitting the floor so hard. He called me out. It was like one of those moments where you know the speaker is talking to the entire room, but you just feel like you are the target.. yeah, that's what it was like. I was the target and his words were the arrows that my soul needed. I still am amazed at how the Lord used that perfect stranger and spoke to me in that moment of my complete darkness.

I realized that I may not have been ready for camp, or thought that I was not ready for it, but regardless God was going to use me in my weaknesses. In that moment, I knew that I was good. I was where I needed to be in the battlefield, and my mind was prepared for war, there wasn't anymore fear. He restored my confidence and faith as a leader, a believe, and as His daughter. He empowered me to become a doormat, and to glorify Him in my servanthood and cast out negativity from my mind and soul. Three of the four girls accepted Christ as their Savior that week, God is good.

I came home from camp late last Saturday night, exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was completely incoherent of my surroundings. Let's just say being a leader at camp is nothing like it used to be for me, I'm no spring chicken anymore folks. I have no idea how those older leaders do it... there was a 54 year old woman there last week, props to her.. I'm a wimp. Anyways, so as I enter my apartment building and walk up to my door, I acknowledge that the ground beneath me was altered for some reason... whatever, no big deal.. I was too tired and lazy to figure out why I suppose. I just wanted my bed. It was 10:08pm.

I walked in, through my stuff on the floor, and immediately headed to my bed. I had never seen a more beautifully crafted piece of furniture in my life. The pillow-top Serta was such a sight for sore eyes. It was all I could do to not get teary-eyed at it's presence. I knew that I was going to have the best night's sleep ever. I laid down onto the soft comfort of freedom, closed my eyes and waited for the Sand Man to come. 10:15pm, no Sand Man... instead the vibration of my cell phone (still in my jeans pocket, mind you) shook the life right out of me, I moaned... and for some absurd and still unknown reason to me, I answered it.

It was Maddie, one of my high school girls.. she desperately needed to talk to someone, I mumbled to her, hung up the phone, rolled over and tried to fall back to sleep... but then I realized that sleep was no longer an option. I had to find a way to wake up and become attentive because my mumbling to Maddie was actually an invitation to come over and talk. So I got up, and waited for her to come.

While I was waiting I was thinking, not just about how I desired nothing more than sleep in that moment. I was considered about how well of a listener I was going to be to her needs, and whether or not this time with her was going to be beneficial at all for her. I was clearly in no conscious state to be having a strenuous conversation that required use of the brain. Hopefully, God would just show up and do it all for me.

Knock, knock. 10:37pm. Awake, no idea how... I walk to the door, my head staring at the ground.. open the door... and I was totally caught off guard by what I saw. Not Maddie of course, but what she was standing on, a doormat. A doormat. A doormat that I know I had never seen before, one that I had never purchased for myself.. or anyone else for that matter... and a doormat that brought life to my soul instantly. God showed up that night in the shape of a doormat.

It was the reminder I needed to get my mind ready for my conversation with Maddie. It triggered a memory from what OJ touched on at camp. We may not always be ready to serve and to live out our calling, but regardless of our short comings and the times we feel defeated and exhausted, God is ready to use us. He is always prepared and He is always our strong tower.

I quickly refocused on Maddie, and her disaster of a situation at hand. Listened to her concerns, and chimed in when necessary. When it was finally my turn to speak, and share my thoughts with her, God's thoughts (definitely not mine, that's for sure) poured out of my mouth like Niagara Falls after 100 inches of rainfall. He still used me even when I thought I couldn't help a fly.

Maddie left a little after midnight, and I was able to head back to bed. As I laid there thinking about my conversation with her, I remembered the doormat. I got up, and hastened to my apartment door, opened it just enough to peer out into the hallway. There it was, the doormat. Sitting it's own fashion with big, beautiful, blue and turquoise flowers scattered on it's face. I stared at it wondering how the heck it turned up on my doorstep, and thankful that I now had a doormat so my dad could stop making jokes about me not having one (I'll explain later).

Eventually on Sunday after I was able to find some sleep the night before I was sorting through my mail that was waiting for me on the kitchen counter, and I stumbled across some familiar handwriting on an envelope that was not stamped with no address or return address (therefore not sent through the mail). I opened it, a penguin greeted me on the front of the card, cute guy, he was clearly ready for August weather, he had his shades on. As I read the inside of the card, I couldn't help but smile as I realized who the doormat was from, the not so secretive handwriting gave it away regardless of the lack in signature. Thank you for my doormat friends.

You never know when God's going to show up, how He's going to use you... He just does. That's the beauty of this life.

one month down, 11 to go.

Whoever said it would be easy? About a 60 days ago I was excited about the new and appealing adventure of my 12 month lease in my own one-bedroom apartment. It seemed like something so adult-ish, so "the next phase of life" for me, I suppose you could say it just made perfect sense. I would have my own space, a bathroom to myself, an organized very less chaotic bedroom space... but best of all, my own kitchen! I love cooking, I've become quite the little Martha Stewart around here (minus the whole incarceration bit).

The newness of this place has worn off a bit. Yes, I still get excited in the morning when I don't have to worry about sharing the bathroom or having scheduled shower times with other roommates. And I certainly appreciate being able to keep this place as neat and tidy as I desire, or in some situations: a mess and not having to worry about it bothering anyone. That's nice. Although living a relatively independent life alone in this 264 sq. ft. apartment has many, many beautifully positive things, I can't help but be distracted by the darkness at times.

I never imagined it would be as hard as it is though, living alone. In the last few weeks of living in the Cottage with some of the coolest women in my life, I knew it was going to be hard leaving the fellowship and community that we had created within our living situation. I did not doubt that I wasn't going to have a hard time with the quiet and the loneliness at times. I miss late night conversations, Tuesday evening roomie meals, but most of all, the presence and familiarity of the family we had created within our sisterhood. That's one thing I know that I will never have again. No experience will ever compare to what I had with my Cottage girls, those two memorable years at 119 Troup. Miss you ladies.

I've learned one thing this past month about my life, something that I know I can carry with me and is applicable throughout life: Putting worth in Idols will only leave you alone, lost, and searching in the end. I created this apartment into an Idol, and I didn't even realize it until I was all moved in. I thought that this place would fix most things in my life. I was certain that my relationship with the Lord would be the best it's ever been. I was certain that I wouldn't have any distractions from my faith, and I would be able to find a perfect independence in my journey through life, without having to be guided by anyone. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Thankfully, I acknowledge that now before I was in too deep.

One month down, 11 to go. It's my desire to make the best of this living situation, and I intend to do just that. I know that I am where I am at in life right now because God has a plan. His intentions for my life are pure and full of love. This evening while I was reading Psalm 27, I stumbled upon verses 13 and 14, and this is where I found God speaking to me in this moment, "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord!"

And so I shall, wait for the Lord.