Recently it has been brought to my attention (by several people), that I'm single.
Little do those people know... I know I'm single, and I am so thankful i am single, and I'm pretty sure my husband (whoever and where ever he is) is thankful that I am single as well.
I look back on the last 24 years of my life, and I realize that I haven't experienced a lot of romantic relationships in my life. I didn't date in high school, not really in college either.... except for boyfriend #1, which lasted a grand total of two months. I realized quickly into the relationship before I was too emotionally invested that he was not Mr. Right. Then, the year after college I had a random quick-fire relationship with boyfriend #2, which I would much rather completely forget ever happened instead of even mentioning again... bf#2 was definitely one of those relationships where you look back, and you wonder what in the WORLD WAS I THINKING?! Ha! Anyways, that ended too once I realized he wasn't Mr. Right. in both of those situations, the Lord protected me emensely. He really took care of me. He protected my heart from a world of new emotions I wasn't ready to be exposed to. My purity, in the midst of a world driven by sex and hormones for young adults. But most of all, He protected my spiritual well-being, for the Evil Jerk who is so ready to jump in and destroy our faith. Praise God for His protection over me!
In those years, I so desperately wanted to be with someone, not just anyone my husband. The Lord isn't kidding in Genesis 3, when He says that "woman will long for her husband, and he will rule over her". I craved something that I had never even had a small taste of, I craved a longing to be filled, an illusion in my mind to come true... i was willing to create romance and potential relationships where ever an opportunity presented itself (not so much acting on anything, but definitely creating scenarios in my heart and mind). On several occasions, i can recall walking into a room and just thinking (as soon as i met a single guy): "Could he be the one? Is this the man the Lord has for me? Maybe i should sit next to him... but i might smell bad, probably should sit across from him so he can still see me but not smell me... Oh, crap what's his name again?" Seriously... those were thoughts. Hillarious, I know! I'm laughing just as I type.
Or maybe it's not funny to you... maybe you can relate? If you can relate, please don't stop reading.
Finally about a year ago, I acknowledged that something was wrong with my mind and my heart. Why was I creating all of these ideas in my head? That's not who I am, that's not who I want to be... I'm NOT boy crazy! I'm NOT in NEED of someone..... I only NEED the Lord, I think... I want to only need the Lord... but my thoughts are not reflecting my heart's true desire. But that's just the thing, that wasn't my heart's true desire... my heart's true desire was to have my husband come into my life, not to have the Lord be the primary Romancer in my life. That's when I decided it was time, time to make a change, for good.
Last September, I started praying for my husband in a different way than I had ever prayed for him before. I used to say, "Lord bring me my man!" Now, it's more like, "Lord, protect your Son, my husband, on His path towards you, just as you have protected me."
Last September, I started reading a book about being the Bride of Christ, and I set down the Twilight series... I pulled myself away from all the books (that I didn't realize at the time) were actually pulling my heart into an attitude of being alone-longing for fictional romance. These books (not just Twilight, I'm just picking on those ones) slowly were taking away the idea of the Lord being my Husband my Romancer, and giving me an Earthly husband to worship over and long for, the opposite of what I actually want for myself. I knew that needed to end, right then and there!
Last September, I started controlling my mind and my thoughts, recognizing when I was creating situations in my mind, and killing them before they could begin to grow into something dangerous. That was hard, there's no accountability with your thoughts... only you know your thoughts (and the Lord, of course). Your mind can be a beautiful and yet, incredibly dangerous place to dwell. It's easy to fall short with our thoughts, it's easy to get lost in jealousy, judgement, creation of sin. The Evil Jerk knows our thoughts, and he knows how to get under our skin, and create thoughts that are not holy and pleasing to the Lord, and could potentially steer us away from bringing Christ the glory. Controlling our thoughts, and being honest about them when we fall short, is so crucial to allowing the Lord to work through the muck in our mind and pulls Him back to the center so He can be ultimately glorified.
Last September, I was asked out on a date by a guy, I would typically say no to guys like him. Good guy, just not my kind of good guy. He's not my husband, very much like a brother actually. I was going to just say no to him, even though I was flattered by him even asking... but I didn't, I said yes, and went anyways, because the Lord asked me: Why not Ashley? There's nothing to lose in this... That's when I realized, I didn't ask for a date with him.. I wasn't expecting a date with him... and the Lord presented me with an opporunity to be pursued by a man, for my beauty to be enjoyed, He gave me the confidence I needed - just by this little date, which seemed so insignificant at the time, but in reality, it's just what I needed.
Since then it's amazing and beautiful to see how the Lord has moved mountains in my life when it comes to "my love life". He has given me such a beautiful and relaxing peace that He does have a man for me, but first I must understand and see that He is the only man that I NEED in this life. It's one thing to say that God is all I need, but it's another to believe it, and not just try to convince myself of that.. but really believe that all I need in this life is the Lord. He's given me that, after months of praying and fasting, and trying to find trust in something that is unseen, He delivered me, and I'm finally where I need to be.
There are days that I look at my life, and I realize that I am the only single one in my group of friends, on my Church staff, at work, in my family.... that I'm in last place in the marriage race you might say. It would be easy for me to throw myself a pitty party, and sulk about it, but why? Nobody likes a party pooper, and the Lord would be hurt if I discredited my relationship with Him as anything less than what it is - and let's face it, Jesus is the most committed man I've ever encountered, that alone is incredibly attractive.
But you know what, I like last place.... it's fun, educational, spontaneous, there's freedom with last place, and I like it. Last place to me is almost like a gift from God. I can be selfish with my time for once, I've never been able to be selfish with my time, and I can now. I can go to Italy next summer if I want (cross your fingers for me), I can go out late on a Friday night spontaneously just for the heck of it, if I want. I get to hear about marital things and learn a few do's and dont's from friends as they try to figure out the whole marriage thing. I get to go to Grad School and not have to worry about whether or not it's a decision that will benefit me and someone else, I can just go and do it, because I want to. When I start a new job, or begin to look for a different one, I don't need someone's permission... I'm free to make my own decision regarding my professional life. I love it!
I get to be alone with the Lord, for a little bit longer. My heart only is sold to Him, He doesn't have to fight for any time with me, I'm all His. I love it.
I like last place because I can take all of the great ideas I've had from everyone else's wedding and adjust them to my perfect liking when I get married. I like last place because when I do get married, it's going to be the last big wedding with my family and my friends. It's going to be so much fun, and it's going to be worth it. I think it's worth the wait, however long the wait may be too. There are a lot of perks to being in last place... I like all of them.
From this light, last place looks really good.
