The title of this post is dedicated to Craig Flack. That is all.
Over the last week I have been reflecting a lot on my last post, and my life circumstances in general. To be honest, I felt like there had to be something more there than what I originally was thinking. In addition to the confessions I expressed last week, I realize that I have one more, except this time it's a bit more difficult to express. There is a condition in my heart that is painful, ugly, and toxic. The condition is sin. I confess that I haven't been completely living the last couple of months desiring to glorify the Lord alone. I've wanted all of that glory to come to me.... I've created myself out to be an idol in my own life. I have wanted to bask in the glory, and I alone wanted all of the credit. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back on my actions, my thoughts, my insecurities, and even my desires, none of them were for the Lord to be glorified in my work.
I confess that I made school and academics and idol. I wanted so desperately to get straight A's my first semester of Grad School that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen: all-nighters, hours of reading texts, above and beyond the requirements of papers... the list goes on. There was a point this semester where I can recall completely ignoring God tugging on my heart to hang out with him, just because I knew I needed to read just one more page... or write just another paragraph... or get on campus just an hour earlier to study. When really he just wanted to spend time with me.
Education has always been something of great value in my life. I thought that it was a healthy thing to value, a good thing, a responsible value. However, looking back on the last couple of months I think I can see that even a value that is healthy, good, and responsible, can be corrupted by the Evil Jerk and crafted to not bring glory to our King. It can be manipulated, twisted, and disfigured in a way that no longer brings joy to His heart, but instead deep sadness. Sadness for how we have let go of Him, and lost sight of His love for us. My sinful nature did that this semester. I took a gift I was given from the Lord and managed to reconstruct it until I was the one getting the glory from it, and not the King.
Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death..."
The result of the sin that I have been living in is death. Which leads me to believe, that this is what can explain why the last couple of months have been so difficult for me. It's almost like I've been dieing... not literally of course, but rather my soul. Lately my mood has been somber, unmotivated, and just full of unnecessary sadness. I feel incredibly unworthy and inadequate in some of the roles I'm playing in life. I feel as if, I'm not doing a good enough job, or that the work I am putting forth is just barely satisfactory. I feel like I'm failing or I'm already defeated, when I know I'm not. I feel as if I'm a not being a dependable friend, I'm not loving enough, my words to the people I love are cold and emotionless. I think that's death for me right now.
When I'm avoidant to acknowledge the sin in my life, I typically refer to all of this as My Hermione Syndrome... my ridiculous need for nothing below an "Exceeds Expectations" in all categories, whether that is academics, spirituality, leadership, relationships, employment, mentoring/discipleship... the list goes on. I strive to do all of these things well, and as best as I can muster for the glory of ME... I mean, the Lord, of course. At some point this semester (and I don't know when) I get off course, again. I selfishly allowed other idols to come before God, and I just so happened to be one of them.
The rest of Romans 6:23 is poetic and perfect... "but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ."
I honestly don't get it. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how and why the Lord continued to love me, pursue me, and stand next to me throughout the last couple of months. One of His greatest commandments says that we shouldn't have any other idols before God, which is exactly what I did. Yet, He was still there. He never left me. I just don't understand why He would want me, a sinner? But He does - and He doesn't just want me now, but he wants me for eternity. That is unreal.
For some unknown reason the Lord has me here for a purpose. I don't know what it is, or why I have had to be in this ugly spot for the last several months, but that's reality right now. My character is being molded and shaped to become even a decimal closer to how the Lord wants me to be as a Daughter of the King. The pruning process is painful, emotionally difficult, and altogether not fun. However, I know in the end it will be worth it.
I urge you brothers and sisters, to confront your darkness, your sin, and repent of it. Allow the Spirit to work through your sin and into your life, so that you may be renewed. Trust that God is with you, He's not leaving your side. Believe that He takes great delight in you as His child, and accept His grace so that you can fully comprehend the depth and width of His redeeming love for you.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
hi, it's my again... you're host.
confession: Grad school, a lot more work than I anticipated.
confession: I may have bit off more than I can chew this semester... semester is over, and I'm still kind of chewing.
confession: I probably ate 20 too many Oreos in the last four months.
confession: thanks to my roommates, I really enjoy the Big Bang Theory now... a bunch of funny nerds, what more could a girl ask for?
confession: I acknowledge it's been four months since I've blogged... and I am sorry, but I am back to redeem my efforts now. :)
Reflecting on the last couple months of my life, I can't help but be in awe of the how the Lord has continuously managed to work in my life. The last several months have been incredibly difficult for me. Life changes have been challenging, and the chaotic mess of learning how to become a responsible student again, as well as be successful in a job (that I have no clue what I'm doing at) has certainly presented some hurtles that I was not expecting. The things in my life that I would have once considered strengths, are becoming things that I acknowledge need to be tamed, before I abuse them. Gifts from the Lord are meant to be treasured and used for his glory, and at times this semester I have seen how I have taken the gifts he has given me and abused them in an incredibly unhealthy fashion. That is not fair to me and others in my life, but more importantly it's not fair to the Lord.
When we go through the different seasons in life, God has us constantly on a journey. A journey to find freedom, a journey to discovering truth, a journey towards our spouses, a journey on parenting then grand parenting.... we're constantly on a journey. Through the journey He is constantly teaching us valuable lessons about life and His character. Some of the lessons are much easier than others, most of them in the last couple months of my life have been insanely hard to trudge through. However, regardless of how difficult they would be, I certainly would not replace them for anything.
My journey over the last couple of months has been surreal and almost imaginary. I've found myself trying to find a balance with all of it - isn't that part of life... just trying to find a balance all of the time? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between pride fulness and unworthiness. I confess that when dear friends and loved ones in my life are attempting to encourage me and build me up, I either tune them out or verbally oppose their acknowledgements. If that's not happening, then I'm completely relishing in the praise and glory, and internally begging for more... consequently getting a big head over it. When I catch myself doing either of these, I get mad at myself. I mean for crying out loud, how could one person be at opposite ends of the pendulum... there has to be a balance. I need to find that balance. I'm walking a line of trying to discover humility and engulf myself in it's beautiful character, as well as allow the Spirit to work through loved ones in my life to encourage me and love me. I don't know what my deal is, but it's part of the journey.
Oh the journey... of course men are always a part of it in some fashion. No, I am not dating anyone. I have gone on a date or two, and I acknowledge that I have noticed guys noticing me more, but nothing more than that I think. Thanks to my sweet roommates, I can see now that I've been carrying a sign around the last couple of months that basically says... "Men, back OFF! I'm content!". By no means is that the message that I want to send out, however that is what it has looked like to people. Although I am content with where I am at, I'm learning that I need to be more open to other possibilities in my life. To allow and welcome the Spirit to work in my heart in healthy ways that I have never allowed it to before. I'm learning that it is OK to think about marriage, it is OK to think about whether or not someone could be compatible with you, and yes it is even OK to try and imagine yourself with someone to see if they might be who you're meant to be with. All of those things are OK - if done in a healthy manner. I've experienced how my mind works in an unhealthy way with these thoughts, and I don't want anything to do with them. However, it's time to allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind in healthy ways, that will help me to continue the journey in finding the man I've been created to help, love, and serve.
It's been breathtaking to see how the Lord has continued to pursue me the last several months, in ways that I never imagined He could. A year ago, I was begging God to pursue me, to love me, to show me His grace and support. I'm sure He was then, but I didn't feel it then, like I feel it now. I am in awe of how the Lord continuously stands firmly at my side, cuddling me, holding me, not letting go. He is present. He is here. He is not leaving.
Through all of my insecurities, sinful thoughts and actions, lack of confidence, I can honestly say that I am confident of this: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, and He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.
My hope and prayer for each of you this Christmas would be that you are able to reflect on the last year, and see what God has been teaching you. How has he defined your character to be more like His own, and what is He doing to show you that He is pursuing you, next to you, and not leaving. I hope that you and your kin have a very Merry Christmas.
I promise to be back before the New Year. :)
Much love,
Ashley
confession: I may have bit off more than I can chew this semester... semester is over, and I'm still kind of chewing.
confession: I probably ate 20 too many Oreos in the last four months.
confession: thanks to my roommates, I really enjoy the Big Bang Theory now... a bunch of funny nerds, what more could a girl ask for?
confession: I acknowledge it's been four months since I've blogged... and I am sorry, but I am back to redeem my efforts now. :)
Reflecting on the last couple months of my life, I can't help but be in awe of the how the Lord has continuously managed to work in my life. The last several months have been incredibly difficult for me. Life changes have been challenging, and the chaotic mess of learning how to become a responsible student again, as well as be successful in a job (that I have no clue what I'm doing at) has certainly presented some hurtles that I was not expecting. The things in my life that I would have once considered strengths, are becoming things that I acknowledge need to be tamed, before I abuse them. Gifts from the Lord are meant to be treasured and used for his glory, and at times this semester I have seen how I have taken the gifts he has given me and abused them in an incredibly unhealthy fashion. That is not fair to me and others in my life, but more importantly it's not fair to the Lord.
When we go through the different seasons in life, God has us constantly on a journey. A journey to find freedom, a journey to discovering truth, a journey towards our spouses, a journey on parenting then grand parenting.... we're constantly on a journey. Through the journey He is constantly teaching us valuable lessons about life and His character. Some of the lessons are much easier than others, most of them in the last couple months of my life have been insanely hard to trudge through. However, regardless of how difficult they would be, I certainly would not replace them for anything.
My journey over the last couple of months has been surreal and almost imaginary. I've found myself trying to find a balance with all of it - isn't that part of life... just trying to find a balance all of the time? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between pride fulness and unworthiness. I confess that when dear friends and loved ones in my life are attempting to encourage me and build me up, I either tune them out or verbally oppose their acknowledgements. If that's not happening, then I'm completely relishing in the praise and glory, and internally begging for more... consequently getting a big head over it. When I catch myself doing either of these, I get mad at myself. I mean for crying out loud, how could one person be at opposite ends of the pendulum... there has to be a balance. I need to find that balance. I'm walking a line of trying to discover humility and engulf myself in it's beautiful character, as well as allow the Spirit to work through loved ones in my life to encourage me and love me. I don't know what my deal is, but it's part of the journey.
Oh the journey... of course men are always a part of it in some fashion. No, I am not dating anyone. I have gone on a date or two, and I acknowledge that I have noticed guys noticing me more, but nothing more than that I think. Thanks to my sweet roommates, I can see now that I've been carrying a sign around the last couple of months that basically says... "Men, back OFF! I'm content!". By no means is that the message that I want to send out, however that is what it has looked like to people. Although I am content with where I am at, I'm learning that I need to be more open to other possibilities in my life. To allow and welcome the Spirit to work in my heart in healthy ways that I have never allowed it to before. I'm learning that it is OK to think about marriage, it is OK to think about whether or not someone could be compatible with you, and yes it is even OK to try and imagine yourself with someone to see if they might be who you're meant to be with. All of those things are OK - if done in a healthy manner. I've experienced how my mind works in an unhealthy way with these thoughts, and I don't want anything to do with them. However, it's time to allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind in healthy ways, that will help me to continue the journey in finding the man I've been created to help, love, and serve.
It's been breathtaking to see how the Lord has continued to pursue me the last several months, in ways that I never imagined He could. A year ago, I was begging God to pursue me, to love me, to show me His grace and support. I'm sure He was then, but I didn't feel it then, like I feel it now. I am in awe of how the Lord continuously stands firmly at my side, cuddling me, holding me, not letting go. He is present. He is here. He is not leaving.
Through all of my insecurities, sinful thoughts and actions, lack of confidence, I can honestly say that I am confident of this: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, and He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.
My hope and prayer for each of you this Christmas would be that you are able to reflect on the last year, and see what God has been teaching you. How has he defined your character to be more like His own, and what is He doing to show you that He is pursuing you, next to you, and not leaving. I hope that you and your kin have a very Merry Christmas.
I promise to be back before the New Year. :)
Much love,
Ashley
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