thankfulness

I apologize for my delay in posting part 3 - to be honest time really got away from me and I completely forgot.

Life picked up. Things started piling on, responsibility after responsibility. Assignment on top of assignment, task after task, test on top of test.... life was moving quickly, fast.

This evening I had the chance to go to a Brookside Women's thing where my sweet friend Amy Seiffert was sharing about this verse, and it reminded me that I needed to give my thoughts on part 3, thankfulness. But to be honest, my heart towards this topic right now are some what raw and vulnerable. I am thankful for many things in my life, and I understand the importance of being thankful always in all circumstances, however the posture of my heart right now is not thankful. Instead it's just kind of blah.... I'm finding myself having a hard time being thankful in all things.

I am VERY THANKFUL for the journey the Lord has me on right now with Ryan (we're now engaged! :)) However, I am not at all thankful for being in Grad School - not at all!

Tonight Amy encouraged us to read the book A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, because she believes that it will help us in our perspective and heart posture towards being thankful. Apparently the author of this book decided to write down a goal of finding 1,000 things that she is thankful for that God has blessed her with in her life. Amy encouraged us to not only read the book, but to also consider what it would like for us to being a list of 1,000 things - and to start being more aware of the small blessings the Lord  has given us in life.

So tonight, in the midst of my ugly heart posture towards Grad School, I am setting a goal for me to find things that I am thankful for in my journey towards Graduation. I want to specifically focus on how I am thankful towards being a grad student, and not how much I hate it right now. So between now and May 3rd (graduation) I am creating a goal for myself to find 177 things that I am thankful for about being in Grad School, because there are exactly 177 days left of my graduate career.

Here's to desiring a thankful heart, cheers. :)

never stop praying.

Part Two: Prayer

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying. 

Prayer: a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication.

Thankfulness: feeling or expressing gratitude, appreciative.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 -  "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

Never stop praying.  As I really meditated on these words I could feel the urgency Paul was trying to convey to us. 

It's easy for us to seek the Lord in prayer when we are troubled, sad or feel overwhelmed. For some people it's easy to praise the Lord when things are going well, and to pray with a thankful heart. But when it comes down to just living life in the in between, I feel like it's common to not think of where and how God fits into it all... and as sad as it may sound, it seems easy to "slow down" our prayers. The need to pray regularly seems to start to fade away, because we feel like life begins to get manageable. Not only does it seem to be manageable, but we also start to think we can control it on our own - so we take matters into our own hands, and eventually a downward spiral happens at some point - and where does that take us? Down on our knees. So, why do we ever even get up? 

How often do we sit and hear a loved one ask for prayer requests? We can hear the hurt in their cry, and the pain in their heart - and what do we say? Yes, I'll add you in my prayers. I'll put you on my prayer list. I'll pray for you.... all of these things are sweet, and they certainly speak care in those moments. But how bold would it be to show them that same love right there in the moment, when they are crying out for help?

I'm currently in my internship in my last year of Grad School, and I'm placed at BGHS learning the ins and outs of becoming a school counselor. As I continue to learn more about how the education world functions and what the highs and lows of the public school system offers the community, I'm also being reminded of how so many broken people are teaching and leading so many broken kids. It makes my heart ache for how desperately they need a savior, the Savior. So many solutions to the problem, but I think realistically there's only one thing we really can do. Pray continually.

Could you imagine what a marriage would look like without communication... it wouldn't exist. This wouldn't just apply to a marriage, but really any relationship. The only way a relationship has any shot at being healthy is by having communication, and healthy communication at that. Would you take a day off from speaking to someone? Or a week... or a month? A season? Probs not. The more you talk and the deeper your conversations are with that person, the closer you are bound to grow towards them. Prayer offers us that avenue to communicate with God. The more we pray, the closer we are going to grow towards the Lord. So, it make perfect sense that Paul urges us to pray continually, and to never stop. 

In your highs and lows and in-betweens... lean on the Lord with a prayerful heart. Don't stop.

Part One: choosing JOY

This is the beginning to my three entry blog about the impression 1 Thess 5:16-18 has made on me as I have continued to pray through it and memorize it in my journey walking with the Lord. I encourage you to read along and journey with me as I unveil some of my thoughts, feelings and beliefs about that Paul is really emphasizing to us through the Lord's word.

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying. 

Prayer: a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication.

Thankfulness: feeling or expressing gratitude, appreciative.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 -  "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

Props to dictionary.com for helping me out with those definitions - and kudos to "the Trio" Paul, Silas & Timothy, good job communicating God's will to us, guys. 

I really want to focus on the first part of that verse in this one.. Always be joyful. 

One thing that I really found interesting about the definition of the word "Joy", would be how the emotion can only come by the cause of something realllllllllllllly good happening to us. Then there's "the Trio" who encourages us to be joyful always - meaning, regardless of circumstances, regardless of the situation and what the outcome may be we are called to be joyful always. 

I'm currently at a stage of life where I am constantly banging my head up against a wall because I feel like I am continuously reminding myself to apply this verse to my life. I get caught in a  web of jealously and comparison. Over the course of this last year I have found myself in a constant stage of jealously over other people.... jealous of friendships, jealous of others in secure financial situations, jealous of graduating students, jealous of nicer homes, jealous of married people. It's kind of ridiculous when I list it all out like that, and really sad now as I am reflecting on it more... but that's been my life. 

I have not only chosen jealously over joy, but I have also chosen to not be content in where I am at instead of being joyful for the journey God has me on. Women friends - what is it about us? Why are we constantly looking for the next thing? Students anticipating graduation and a career (I'm guilty of this)... singles craving marriage (again - guilty)... newlyweds needing to buy a house (more than likely guilty eventually)... wives obsessed with getting pregnant (I assume to be guilty of this someday)... Don't get me wrong, I think these are great and even BEAUTIFUL things to desire in life... but what is it about our human nature that demands that our wants are filled immediately? Why can't we be content and joyful in the journey the Lord has us on right now - even when it is thick, ugly, dense and at times lonely. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this too. Right now I want the heck out of school... I want to be engaged... (yep - there it is, I said it)... I want, I want, I want. I NEED to be joyful in the journey, because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. 

There is such a STRONG NEED for us to be full of joy in the journey that we are in right now. Yes, a need - not a want or a desire, but a need. Did you know that Paul encourages his readers to be joyful (or full of joy) 16 different times in his letters? 16 times! In all of the different passages that Paul encourages us to be joyful in, I found that there are different avenues that we need to choose joy in life, four different ones to be exact... 

The first one would be in our suffering. Yes, we must find joy in the midst of our suffering. Did you know that each time Paul encourages us to be joyful (all 16 times) he was writing that from a jail cell? Paul was in jail while encouraging us to find joy in our suffering. I'm not sure what Paul's jail experience was... but I'm fairly certain that it more than likely didn't entail gourmet meals, pillows being fluffed... or pillows at all... based on the little research I did (in the last 5 minutes in a Google search), his jail experience was more like sleeping on dirt/stone floors, urinating on those same floors, trapped in a dark room with little to no lighting, and minimal food provided throughout the week. I would say it's safe to call that suffering. All the while being trapped in such harsh and disgusting conditions (which by the way - he was arrested for proclaiming the gospel), he was still joyfully writing to his brothers and sisters throughout the land, and spurring them on with the love of Christ. He was still moving mountains in his faith for Jesus Christ, and he was doing it with a joyful servant's heart. So, I think Paul can relate to finding joy in the midst of suffering. 

The second one would be in our serving. For some of us this may come easier than others, because you might have a heart that was gifted with the desire to serve. For others, it might be more of a struggle to really serve joyfully. I know for me personally sometimes serving is a true and honest joy... but to be honest, sometimes it takes some intense sacrifice. Dusting our house regularly or scrubbing the bathroom for my roommates - not that big of a deal. Offering free babysitting for a couple who really needs a date night - a little bit more of a sacrifice because I'm offering up my time, and time is precious to me these days. I'm sure you can relate, your time is probably just as precious as mine is. In Philippians 2:14-15 Paul encourages us to do all things without grumbling or disputing, including serving. Finding joy in our hearts as we serve one another is what puts joy in the heart of our Savior as He watches His children love and serve each other in His name. We do these things not for our own glory or satisfaction, but for the glory and satisfaction of the Lord. Something to mull over: If you find yourself grumbling while serving someone (whether that's a loved one or not), what is going on in your own heart that is holding you back from serving them with pure and joyful intentions?

The third one would be in our giving. I don't just mean in our finances, yes that plays a part in it... but to be honest, I mean in all of our resources I think we need to give joyfully. Resources meaning: money, time, education, wisdom, homes, ect... How can we joyfully give within the means of all of our resources? What would that look like? Sometimes in the midst of our giving there is an element of sacrifice (not always, but sometimes) and in the moments that we are sacrificing something are we still sacrificially and joyfully giving? When we pour into our wallets and drop the only milk money we have for the week into the plate as it passes by are we joyfully giving it away? Or are our hearts cross and stubborn? As we take on another responsibility within an organization that we volunteer for, are we giving our time and resources with a joyful heart - or are we banging our heads up against the wall about it? Even in these moments our character comes out - but not just our character but our character in Christ. "He must become greater, and I must become less." -John 3:30. 

The fourth (and final) one would be in our believing. I think there is nothing more beautiful and more powerful than what I am about to share with you... and because of that, there is nothing worthy of more joy than this...  there is nothing in this world more significant than the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The fact that the Son of Man came to this Earth to live, love and die just for you and me is something that I find tremendous JOY in. If you need any more reason than that to be joyful, then please give me a call sometime - we'll chat over breakfast or coffee and I'll tell you why that statement alone brings me abundant JOY. 

Joy is a strong need in our life. It's hard for me to believe that if someone is truly following the Lord and has accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior that they won't experience JOY.. beautiful and abundant JOY in their life. Part of experiencing it is choosing it though. Sometimes choosing joy comes easily... and sometimes choosing joy is a little bit more difficult, and may come with an attitude check. Either way, joy is a need in our life - and Paul encourages us to choose it ALWAYS. 

Stay tuned for Part 2: praying in the moment. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 An introduction...

Over the next couple of blog entries I'm going to be giving a little bit of insight into what my life has been like and thoughts I've been rolling around in my head regarding one of my personal favorite memory verses: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. 

I encourage you to read along and journey with me in the next coming entries. 

I also encourage you to try and memorize this passage to the best of your ability. It's valuable for life, and I think as you continue to train your mind to it you'll see what I'm talking about. 

Stay tuned in the coming days to see what Part 1 holds for a break down of this verse and my thoughts behind it. Until then, here's a little something to get you started on the meaning behind each of the words and the actual scripture.

Thanks friends. :)

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying. 

Prayer: a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication.

Thankfulness: feeling or expressing gratitude, appreciative.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 -  "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

Props to dictionary.com for helping me out with those definitions - and kudos to "the Trio" Paul, Silas & Timothy, good job communicating God's will to us, guys. 

learning about what it means to be a daddy's girl

Although Father's Day has passed already, I couldn't help but write a post about how great of a dad I have. I started to write some things once I got inspired.... but I kept hitting the delete key. So I gave up, and decided to just spend some time with the Lord instead, praising him for such a wonderful earthly father He blessed me with.

So, while I was spending some time with the Lord this evening I couldn't help but go back through my current journal and read some of my old notes and prayers. I started back at the beginning of the first day that I used it. I always love my handwriting on the first entry of all my journals. I'm sure if you're a writer you can totally relate. You know how it goes - you put your best foot forward, because it's a fresh start a new beginning. I feel like I always say some profound things in that first journal entry, my handwriting is font-worthy... but then as we dig deeper into the journal the handwriting gets kind of blah, and it almost seems like some of my writings aren't as long and poetic as the first couple. I always tend to find that interesting.... I feel like there can be several parallels to that in life.

For instance - school. Every student, no matter how great or poor of a student you may be... always puts their best foot forward at the beginning of the semester. Take extra notes, arrive to class a couple minutes early, actually listen... and might even open the text book. Then as the semester continues to go on, and on... and on, we all tend to dial back a little. We slack a little here or there, we tend to procrastinate. Even the best planner and "J-minded" folks will even slack on our color coding a little towards the end there - yes, I color code my calendar to match the folders of my corresponding classes. I'm not a nerd, I'm just prepared. You should try it, I think you would find it not only helpful, but also appealing to the eye.

Anyways, back to my journal.....

So, I read my first entry in this current journal (and patted myself on the back for my neat cursive that would have won any handwriting contest in 5th grade - remember those?)... it was this past December 25th, Christmas Day. I remember this last Christmas vividly. It was bittersweet. It was just me, mom and dad. Justin and Kristin (my brother and his wife) were in Cleveland with Kristin's family, and Jessica and Austin (my sister and her husband) were with his family in Van Wert. So, it was just the three of us - me and the parental unit. Christmas morning we were sitting around the breakfast table enjoying my mom's french toast - gosh that woman can cook - and my dad asked us this question: "If you could meet anyone in the Bible, who would it be? Oh - and you can't pick Jesus, because you've already met him." My mom and I kind of looked at one another and laughed at first, then thought about who we would really want to meet. I journaled every detail of that morning because I never wanted to forget it. It was my first Christmas with just me and my parents, and my dad gave me some love, encouragement and wisdom that was worth more than any gift under the tree.

You see, my dad asks a lot of questions, that's probably where I get it from. I'm a lot like my father. Way more like my dad than I am like my mom, I'm certainly learning that more as I get older. Certainly, I have several similarities to my mother, but I think as a whole, I'm more like my dad. So, anyways - my dad asks a lot of questions, but rarely are they questions that could stir up a potentially beautiful conversation centered on spirituality.

My dad waited for us patiently as we thought. My mom was the first to respond, she said she would want to meet Job. Job because she would want to be able to take a walk with him and talk about his sufferings, how well he was able to manage them - but not just manage them, but take them and glorify the Lord with them. My mom hates her job, like seriously hates it. It's really sad, actually. We used to laugh and try to joke around about it, but in the last year or so it has gotten to the point where we just don't bring it up because it upsets her to talk about it. It makes sense to me that my mom would want to meet Job, I think she knows he could give her some perspective that she longs for because she feels so beaten down.

After my mom's response, my dad looked at me - I knew that meant it was my turn. I told my parents that I would want to meet Paul, for a number of reasons, but mainly because he was single. Not because I wanted to woo him over, but because I admired him - still admire him. The man was single for what we know and believe his entire life, he loved the church and he loved Christ. He lived for the church and he lived for Christ. Day in and day out - night after night. He sought to glorify the Lord with every word, action, step and thought. He spent his time focusing on using the blessing of his singleness to bring glory to the Kingdom by spreading the Lord's word and love, and not by moping around and being bummed about not being married or being with someone. Paul was bold. Full of love and grace, and he wasn't scared to dish out the truth when it needed to be give. So, I said Paul.

My dad smiled at me, then winked. Looked back down at his french toast, and gave his own answer. Daniel. He said he wanted to meet Daniel for five reasons.... and here they are, I wrote them down word for word:

1. He was a leader who wasn't about politics. Daniel translated dreams for king Nebuchandnezzar, and was honest and genuine about what the Lord wanted to reveal to the king. He didn't hold anything back or make up nonsense that would put himself in a position that would build up his character. He was genuine and true about who he was, and who the Lord was in his life. People noticed a "Spirit" in him that was like no other.

2. Courageously obedient. Daniel went against what the crowd was doing and chose to glorify the Lord with his diet. He didn't do this in secret either, he made it clear to whoever what he was doing and what his intentions were with not eating the King's meat. His faith was strong enough to convince some of his closest friends to do it too - here you have a courageously obedient leader among peers.

3. Sympathetic. My dad self proclaims that he's not the most sympathetic man, and he would love to talk to Daniel about what it means to be a strong and sympathetic man.

4. He wasn't at all pretentious with his prayer to the Lord. Daniel had a pretty beefed up resume, and not once in his prayer to the Lord does he bring up his "credentials". Daniel is humble and knows where he stands before the Lord, or better said - he knows where he kneels before the Lord.

5.  And I quote straight from my dad's mouth to my journal and now to this blog entry:
"Daniel got to have a sleepover with lions... what a badass".

Isn't my dad pretty awesome? Loving, wise and he is pretty funny. After I read that first page of my journal, I decided to go ahead and start reading the book of Daniel to see what this guy is all about... thanks, for the encouragement dad. :)

You know what I find interesting... I couldn't find the words to write something about my dad in this blog. I had a million different things in my head that I wanted to share and write about, but not one of them could formulate onto this page for me. So I stopped, and surrendered to the Lord, my true Father - and He guided me to the words that I really wanted to share about my daddy. In order to really lift up my earthly dad, I first needed to meet my Father and bring glory and praise and worship to His name first. Isn't that interesting.... ? It's perfect, and it makes perfect sense. Regardless of how much I desire to talk about my own dad, I must look to my Father and Creator first. We must always go to Him first, our Father first... not our daddy's, but our Father.

I'm beginning to learn this more and more in my life as I continue to journey with the Lord. The last 25 years of my life I have always gone to my daddy first for direction, for answers to questions, for praise and approval, for a hug and for comfort.... but I'm beginning to learn what it means to really go to my Father first, for all of those things and more. When I need a little help financially, pray about it first instead of asking dad to give me a couple bucks to get through the week. When I am frustrated with house problems, instead of calling and complaining to my dad I should first cast my anxieties on the Lord because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).

Even in my dad's response to his own question on Christmas Day, he gave little nuggets of wisdom that pointed to how we can turn our body to face the Lord instead of ourselves. My dad wants me to turn to the Lord first, not him... my Father wants me to turn to Him first and not my dad.

So... friends, that's what this daddy's girl is going to try and start doing, and I encourage my fellow sisters in Christ who consider themselves daddy's girls to do the same.

home.

Home. 


What is home... where is home... ? I feel like over the last seven years of my life I have been asking myself this question often. Is home Columbus, where my parents are? Where the house is that I grew up in? Where my childhood and adolescent memories are?


Or is home here, in BG? Where I have spent the last seven years of my life, investing my life into the community here, and the people... and finding my niche... ? 


I think that after years of searching, I finally found the place that I call home. It makes sense why it took me so long to figure it out, especially since both places hold such beautiful places in my heart, that are deeply rooted. But... now, after much thought and shaping of my heart I've realized where I want my home to be. Here. :)




Home 
by Michael Buble


Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

blindness.

I was reading through the book of John today, and I came upon chapter 9 where we learn about the story of Jesus healing a blind man. Can you imagine what life would be like if you were blind.... and then all of a sudden one day you could see? Hurts my eyes kind of just to think about it.... a smudge of pain just because I know how much I hate opening my eyes in the morning when it's bright outside. I couldn't imagine opening my eyes for the first time and experiencing the bright light of the sun, not to mention the radiance of the Son, and the life He has to offer when we can completely see.

Blindness, interesting....

So, by now I'm sure you're all probably well aware that I am dating someone... yes, this girl finally has a boyfriend - a really good one too. Some of you may have thought this day would never come, don't worry - I was with you in that camp. It's still weird to think about sometimes. After being single for well over the majority of my life I became used to it, and not just used to it but familiar with it, and I grew to really enjoy it. Through the hardships and bumpy roads along the way, I learned what it meant to be romanced by the Lord, to be fully dependent on the Father, and to be enthralled by the King. I began to crave date nights with Jehovah, not anyone else really. I got to a point where I was so thankful and excited to be where I was with the Lord and embracing my singleness completely as Paul suggests that I honestly went blind to prospects around me.

When Ryan and I started dating, I'm going to be honest... there was a bit of pain that came with the fun, happiness, and excitement. I had to put my singleness to death for awhile... potentially a long while. Even though dating this great man has been more than I could have ever asked for, I still feel a twinge of pain for letting go of being single - for letting go of the life that Paul strongly suggests we embrace and dwell in for the Kingdom and for our Savior. I was living it as best I knew how, and I was enjoying it. Then when this all happened, I had to let it go - a bit of pain. Just a little, not a lot.

Even though there was that little bit of pain... I can promise you I would do it all over the same way again.... and again.... and again.... ..... and again....

Oh, right so about this blindness, I was getting somewhere with it....

For those of you who know me well, might be familiar with the story of how Ryan (my main squeeze) and I started dating a couple months ago. However, what you may not know is the back story, because I didn't even know about it until recently. Ryan became attracted to me in August, and then started to pursue me in October... which was FIVE months before I realized it. Now that I know this piece of the puzzle, I look back on those five months and I can recall several different text messages from him, a Facebook status here or there and even his efforts in trying to talk to me on Sunday mornings.... and I continued to just dismiss all of it. I am an idiot. I had no clue he was interested in me. Even after he intentionally asked me if he could become a volunteer for Brookside Kids, I still didn't realize his tactics - along with his desire to serve our Church. I never realized how blind I was to it all until I look back, and just recall it all. I was so focused on school, and Brookside, and work... that I literally almost missed out on potentially the best thing that could ever happen to me (only second to my salvation through the Cross).

It's amazing what we miss out on when are so engulfed in our own lives. Had Ryan not been patient and persistent in his pursuing me, I'm not really sure it would have happened. I would have missed out because I was blind.

Questions to ponder.... 
What are some of the things you are engulfed in within your own life? Are these things distracting you and blinding you from something that the Lord has in store for you? If so, are you willing to take a risk and put those things on hold to clear your lenses and see what the Lord is offering you? Just try it... I think it will be worth it - I know it was for me.

Take risks. Give it a chance. Let the Lord surprise you, because He offers some beautiful surprises.
Don't walk around choosing to be blind.... the man in John 9 didn't, so why should we.

the day i realized i plan out my sin.

I'm 25 years old. I have lived the majority of my life (all of my adult life - for sure) creating plans and agendas for myself. Anything from where I want to go to college, to applying for different jobs... and even down to when I'm ready to put on my adult pants and become a professional. I've even tried to plan out how and where and with whom I was going to do ministry... I planned on being a Young Life leader... and I planned on being a Young Life leader for the rest of my life... I planned on going on staff... I planned this and that...

Within the last couple months of my life I even planned out the rest of my journey as a single woman. I planned how I was going to utilize my gifts in different areas of my life, and how I was going to spend my free time since I didn't have a spouse or kids to invest in.

I've planned assignments for school. When to do what, and how much time I have to finish an assignment before it's due. I have more to-do lists and checklists than any one person should.

I've planned my bank accounts. My dad taught me how to successfully plan for my financial future, so I've done that. I've planned when I'll graduate with my Masters, when I'll start applying for jobs. I've even planned when I might buy a house in the next couple of years.

I've planned event after event for Brookside Kids. I've planned my next six month journey with Brookside Church.

I am a planner - excuse me... I meant to say, I'm a sinner. I have relied so much, TOO MUCH, on my own plan that I have failed to see how beautiful the Lord's plan is for my life along the way. I got in the way of taking a full look at what He has in store for my life. I didn't acknowledge or notice anything going on that He had up his sleeve until it hit me square in the face.

I am such a planner, I even plan out my sin. I plan when I want to be with the Lord, and what my time with Him is going to look like. Sometimes I plan so many things during the day, I'm not taking enough time (or unfortunately no time at all) to be with Christ. I plan - and sin. I fall short daily, most of the time unintentionally... and sometimes out of complete disobedience because I think that my plan is way better than His plan for me. I know - I'm an idiot. You would think by now I would catch on.

My sinful nature of taking control and planning out my life down to every day gets in the way. It's absurd, and certainly not glorifying to the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11, Ephesians 3:20, 1 Peter 5:7... all of them and more need to be continuously put in the front of my mind. I need to keep these verses at my feet, and remind myself of how the Lord's plan is SO MUCH bigger and better than my own.

He has been showing me that over the last several weeks, and I am so thankful for it. My life is slowly moving from a silly sitcom to a daring adventure, and I'm in awe of the work HE is doing.

"He must become greater, and I must become less." -John 3:30

Don't get me wrong, I think planning is a good thing - and a necessity in some of our lives. But I think what I'm trying to say is we need to be ok with throwing the plan out the window. We cannot make the plan an idol as we are often in the habit of doing. We must plan for the glory of the Lord, and when planning becomes more than glorifying Him, then we need to check the posture of our hearts. Like any good thing in this world, it can be coveted... and some may not even realize they are coveting it until it's too late. Which is exactly what I think started happening in my own "planned out" life.

Praise God for throwing some wrenches in my plan, and that I wasn't too blind to see them... and praise God I embraced those wrenches, and allowed the Lord to use them in my life. Because it turns out, those wrenches in my plan... came along to fix and make my plan so much better than what I could have ever imagined.

Embrace God's wrenches in your plan when He throws them into your life.... you never know what He's up to with them.

Twelve months.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago I was finally beginning to be at peace with the Lord's will in my life at the time. Twelve months ago, I finally decided it was time to choke down the sobs of my grief for being done leading, and listen to what He had next for me.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, I stopped screaming at Him and started listening to Him. Once I wiped my eyes away of all the tears, I was able to see how much He was actually moving in my life. I caught onto His vision, His plan for my life... bigger than anything I could have ever wanted for myself, or even begin to dream was possible. A load that was much greater than what I honestly thought I was worthy of carrying.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, He said GO! And I went... very much like Moses. Fumbling over my words and my thoughts the entire time, not entirely confident in myself, but fully confident in the Lord alone. Twelve months ago, I started the interview process for Brookside Church, to be hired on as the Children's Ministry intern. The entire hiring process from start to finish was long, and exhausting for me. But in the end, completely worth it, obviously. :)

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, I finally met and got to know two dear friends really well. Kala and Lori. Kala and I really embraced getting to know one another when the Women's Retreat came around, I handed her a personal invite and I'll never forget the look on her face that morning at Brookside. Full of love and excitement, eagerness to get to know me, and I know my heart felt the same way. Lori and I knew one another for months before then, because of life group, but never really took notice until twelve months ago. When we decided to live together.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago I was freaking out about being single... now I'm freaking out about the idea of marriage.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Within the last twelve months: I have started Grad school, gone on a couple dates (none of which were much to write home about), am now the Director of Children's Ministries at Brookside, and have switched from YL Leader to Small Group leader... which might as well be leading. :)

A lot can happen in twelve months. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next twelve bring as well.

I have to believe it is worth it.

Learning can be...

painful. long. trying. exhausting. frustrating. overwhelming. lonely. heart-thrashing. difficult. tear-ful. emotional. draining. too much at times....

I trust that the end result will be...

worth it.

God is my teacher, and I know that God is love... so, I must believe that end result will be worth it.

tulipbushes & faith trees.

Last week in one of my classes, we were asked to do an activity where we had to relax close our eyes and imagine ourselves walking down a path towards a rosebush. In our minds we had to create what kind of rosebush we were, what type of environment were we living in, what was going on around us, what was the weather like... ect. In the counseling world, this is an activity that can be used to distinguish part of the emotional state the person is in, and where they see themselves.

Our professor did this activity to show us how it can be helpful for us when we are counseling, but to be honest, I found it helpful for my own reflection. To left you will see the picture I drew of my rosebush. Well, it's more like a tulip-bush, which I didn't understand why I drew tulips at first, but now I get it. To be honest with you, I wasn't really sure why I chose to draw most of what I actually did in this picture until a couple of days later when I was able to really reflect on picture. Let me set the scene for you... My tulip-bush is in the middle of a dry and some what desserted desert, the sun is rising brining heat. There is no water around. The leaves of the bush are beginning to turn brown, withering in the heat, and lack of water. A prickly cactus and some crunchy tumbleweeds are it's only company.

I feel like a week ago, this was a fairly accurate representation of my emotional and spiritual life. Dry, in a desert, alone... yet there was still hope, which is where the tulip-bush idea comes into play. My FAVORITE part about spring is the tulips, and if there are purple ones, that's even better. A tulip gives me hope for a new season, hope for beauty, hope for life, and hope for a promise. In the midst of walking through a desert, I still have hope and trust that my mana will be provided and the Promise Land is near. I am typically a reflective person, but my counseling classes have certainly encouraged me to become even more reflective lately.

I was sharing this with a friend via email, and as I was typing I decided that I wanted to blog about it too.... because I believe that this aspect of my journey may be relevant to yours as well...

The other day I heard a married guy say something that kind of resinate with my soul a little. He was referencing his own marriage, however I was able to apply it to my journey with the Lord right now. He said, (something of the like...) "Sometimes in marriage the relationship isn't always about emotion and love and happiness, there's hardships all couple face. That's when we realize that marriage is a committment, it's a choice, and we keep moving forward with it and working through the hardships, until those emotions come back, and they will come back it just takes time sometimes." When he said that I feel like a light bulb turned on in my head... something I've always known, finally clicked. My relationship to Christ is a marriage. It's a committment I made years ago, I'm not walking away, and He certainly isn't either. At times it's been awesome and great, FULL of love, romance, and comfort, ect... and now it's just one of those hard times, where I have to rely on the committment, I have to rely on faith.

It was certainly one of those DUH! moments, you know? I mean, this is something that I've known for years. I've learned it, and relearned it countless times in Young Life, at church, from my own dad, other people in my community, and heck - I've even been the one to teach it to the girls I have discipled. However, I honestly haven't ever really needed to apply it to my own life because my walk with God so far has been daily FULL of emotion unitl the last several months.

I know that there is a different between knowing something in my head (because a book or someone else told me about it) and experiencing it through life circumstances. Knowledge is great, but when we have the life experiences to run alongside of it, that's where I think the Lord blesses us with wisdom.

The tree of FAITH isn't something that's completely thriving on the "honeymoon stage" of emotions, seed might have been planted bceause of that... but the tree of FAITH has it's roots grounded and secure in committment. No matter how strong theh branches get, how ripe the fruit may be, or how fierce the winds begin to blow, the roots will always be safe and secure in the committment I have made. Today, I'm finding peace in that.

Just haven't met you yet...

Sometimes, lyrics say it better than we can....

Haven't Met You Yet

by Michael Buble

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track

Talk myself in, I talk myself out

I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it

I came up with a million excuses

I though, I thought of every possibility

And I know some day that it'll all turn out

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up

I guess it's half timin and the other half's luck

Wherever you are, whenever it's right

You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that wa can be so amazin

And baby your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it'll all turn out

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And promise kid I'll give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war

But I won't need to fight it

We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazin

And bein in your life is gonna change me

And now I can see every single possiblity

And someday I know it'll all turn out

And I'll work to work it out

Promise you kid I'll give more than I get

Oh you know it'll all turn out

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah

I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet

Oh promise you kid to give so much more than I get

I said love love love love love love love

I just haven't met you yet

Game Changers: 24th & 2011 at a glance.

Every January most people reflect on the past year. The good things, sometimes even the hard things. Most of us reflect, and then look forward to the fresh start of the New Year with hope and faith in the new beginnings. Hope for more tears from laughter and joy, instead of fear and sadness. Faith in using wisdom from past experiences, and not making the same mistakes twice (or three times). Yes, we all do it... we reflect on the last year, and look forward to the next.

When I do it though, it's a bit different. My reflections typically come about ten days after everyone else's, and more in the form of a reflection on the last year of my life. You see, for those of you who are not aware, my birthday is January 11th. Therefore, not only do I look at the start of a New Year as a fresh start, a clean slate, or a bright beginning... but I look at it more like, the winding down of my 24th year, and the promising beginning of my 25th. Most people get to do this twice a year (at the New Year and their birthday), but I like to keep things simple, so I just do it once. :)

My roommate, Kala, and I have been using the word game-changer a lot lately. Primarily in the context of dating, however I feel like it's a universal word, and can be used in reference to various things, specifically life circumstances. I think that sometimes life throws us game-changers that we have to work with or adapt to, some good or bad, doesn't really matter, they're just game-changers. Reflecting on the last year of my life, I would most certainly say that there are some pretty significant game-changers I experienced.

So, here are the top six "Game-Changers" of my 24th/2011 year -

- I originally was going to go with five by I just couldn't drop the last one. :)

6. Jim Tressel scandal.... game-changer. Of course, my love and passion for The Ohio State Buckeyes has not changed because of this, however I think that this is still a significant game-changer for all OSU fans. A lot of us fans put a little bit too much faith and hope in a Tressel over the last several years. We get a bit carried away (from time to time) with our Buckeye-nation, and at times I admit it's a little bit tasteless. We sometimes may act like our "poop don't stink", and we may get a little big-headed about some things, however... I think this past season was certainly a game-changer for us. 6-6 season record... lost our Bowl game... Tressel, well, you know... and poor Fickell, he looks just like Adam Sandler. Needless to say our 2011 season, was a game-changer.

5. I know most of you probably would have thought that this would be higher than #5, but in comparison to my other game-changers, this one really didn't stand a chance to be any higher. Got into grad school, got excited for grad school, started grad school, finished the first semester of grad school. Game-changer for life! I am accumulating about $25,000 of more school debt (for just this year), therefore making a game-changer for my financial life for the next 15+ years. So, although that's not my favorite I am excited for how this is going to be the game-changer for my career. I am so excited to see what is to come with this as part of my story in life.

4. Family dysfunction. I, like most you, have a dysfunctional family. This past year, the Rozelle's certainly experienced our fair share of heart aches and hardships to run alongside some of the good memories. The last twelve months have been difficult, exhausting, and incredibly dark for us. Emotional roller coasters, one after took us to our breaking point, where we had no other choice but to surrender to God. This was the game-changer I've been praying for. As ugly as it was, I wouldn't trade it for anything, because if nothing else it brought each and every one of my family members closer to the Father, for comfort, guidance, and love as we linked arms and walked through the darkness together. I have never, in my entire life, felt closer to each of my family members than what I do today, and I know it's because of those hard times. I wouldn't wish a hardship on anyone's family, but in the end if you're able to look at it and honestly say, that was a game-changer, for Christ... then I think it's worth it.

3. Freedom in being single. I never thought that God would have pulled me out of the depths and darkness I was drowning in before, but He did. Throughout the last year, the Lord restored my heart, mind, and soul in a way that no longer hungered for my husband, but instead hungered for Christ. When I allowed God to completely come into my heart, and remove all of the muck and ugly and dark crap in there regarding being single, I was finally able be let go, set free... it was my game-changer to have a healthy spiritual life, for just me and my Ultimate Romancer.

2. New job at Brookside. I never thought working was fun, enjoyable, and life-giving until May 17, 2011. Accepting this job, was definitely in the top three best things that happened to me in 24th/2011 year. I love my staff team, I love my boss, I love the volunteers I work with, I love how sweet and simple the faith of the kids are.... I love that I finally love a job. I've never felt more valued and appreciated in a work environment. If nothing else, this job has helped me to see how game-changing it can be to have a loving and positive work environment.

1. My roommates. Without a doubt, this is my number one game-changer for 24th/2011 year. I couldn't imagine having to go through #2-#6 without them in my life. Cheering me on, giving me love and encouragement, and even a shoulder to cry on and a listening heart when it got really bad. They are my number one game-changer. Having roommates this time around is completely different than what it was like just a couple of years ago. I admit that I was apprehensive about living with people again, especially people who I didn't know all that well, and women who weren't my previous roommates (Kala and Wags had tough competition... I've had some pretty wicked sweet roomies in the past). But the Lord is sooo good. He brought me a game-changer in the form of two goofy, fun, energetic, sweet, and beautiful, Godly women who I am honored to say are not only my roommates, but also two of the dearest friends I have. I love them, and I am so thankful for how the Lord has been and will continue to use them in my life, so that I may learn how to better love the Lord and others, just as He has called us to do.

I think it might be hard, but I hope that 25th/2012 game-changers top these ones. Some one much smarter and wiser than I said to me via Facebook today, "I think life gets better..." She's a dear friend, so I think I'm going to trust her on this one. Thanks Sandy. :)

Before I hit submit, I want to do one last thing... wait for it... wait for it... it's now 12:01am on 01/11/2012, I'm 25. Here's to a good year. Happy Birthday, me. :) Cheers!

Love,

Ash

no spelling errors.

The title of this post is dedicated to Craig Flack. That is all.

Over the last week I have been reflecting a lot on my last post, and my life circumstances in general. To be honest, I felt like there had to be something more there than what I originally was thinking. In addition to the confessions I expressed last week, I realize that I have one more, except this time it's a bit more difficult to express. There is a condition in my heart that is painful, ugly, and toxic. The condition is sin. I confess that I haven't been completely living the last couple of months desiring to glorify the Lord alone. I've wanted all of that glory to come to me.... I've created myself out to be an idol in my own life. I have wanted to bask in the glory, and I alone wanted all of the credit. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back on my actions, my thoughts, my insecurities, and even my desires, none of them were for the Lord to be glorified in my work.

I confess that I made school and academics and idol. I wanted so desperately to get straight A's my first semester of Grad School that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen: all-nighters, hours of reading texts, above and beyond the requirements of papers... the list goes on. There was a point this semester where I can recall completely ignoring God tugging on my heart to hang out with him, just because I knew I needed to read just one more page... or write just another paragraph... or get on campus just an hour earlier to study. When really he just wanted to spend time with me.

Education has always been something of great value in my life. I thought that it was a healthy thing to value, a good thing, a responsible value. However, looking back on the last couple of months I think I can see that even a value that is healthy, good, and responsible, can be corrupted by the Evil Jerk and crafted to not bring glory to our King. It can be manipulated, twisted, and disfigured in a way that no longer brings joy to His heart, but instead deep sadness. Sadness for how we have let go of Him, and lost sight of His love for us. My sinful nature did that this semester. I took a gift I was given from the Lord and managed to reconstruct it until I was the one getting the glory from it, and not the King.

Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death..."

The result of the sin that I have been living in is death. Which leads me to believe, that this is what can explain why the last couple of months have been so difficult for me. It's almost like I've been dieing... not literally of course, but rather my soul. Lately my mood has been somber, unmotivated, and just full of unnecessary sadness. I feel incredibly unworthy and inadequate in some of the roles I'm playing in life. I feel as if, I'm not doing a good enough job, or that the work I am putting forth is just barely satisfactory. I feel like I'm failing or I'm already defeated, when I know I'm not. I feel as if I'm a not being a dependable friend, I'm not loving enough, my words to the people I love are cold and emotionless. I think that's death for me right now.

When I'm avoidant to acknowledge the sin in my life, I typically refer to all of this as My Hermione Syndrome... my ridiculous need for nothing below an "Exceeds Expectations" in all categories, whether that is academics, spirituality, leadership, relationships, employment, mentoring/discipleship... the list goes on. I strive to do all of these things well, and as best as I can muster for the glory of ME... I mean, the Lord, of course. At some point this semester (and I don't know when) I get off course, again. I selfishly allowed other idols to come before God, and I just so happened to be one of them.

The rest of Romans 6:23 is poetic and perfect... "but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ."

I honestly don't get it. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how and why the Lord continued to love me, pursue me, and stand next to me throughout the last couple of months. One of His greatest commandments says that we shouldn't have any other idols before God, which is exactly what I did. Yet, He was still there. He never left me. I just don't understand why He would want me, a sinner? But He does - and He doesn't just want me now, but he wants me for eternity. That is unreal.

For some unknown reason the Lord has me here for a purpose. I don't know what it is, or why I have had to be in this ugly spot for the last several months, but that's reality right now. My character is being molded and shaped to become even a decimal closer to how the Lord wants me to be as a Daughter of the King. The pruning process is painful, emotionally difficult, and altogether not fun. However, I know in the end it will be worth it.


I urge you brothers and sisters, to confront your darkness, your sin, and repent of it. Allow the Spirit to work through your sin and into your life, so that you may be renewed. Trust that God is with you, He's not leaving your side. Believe that He takes great delight in you as His child, and accept His grace so that you can fully comprehend the depth and width of His redeeming love for you.

hi, it's my again... you're host.

confession: Grad school, a lot more work than I anticipated.
confession: I may have bit off more than I can chew this semester... semester is over, and I'm still kind of chewing.
confession: I probably ate 20 too many Oreos in the last four months.
confession: thanks to my roommates, I really enjoy the Big Bang Theory now... a bunch of funny nerds, what more could a girl ask for?
confession: I acknowledge it's been four months since I've blogged... and I am sorry, but I am back to redeem my efforts now. :)

Reflecting on the last couple months of my life, I can't help but be in awe of the how the Lord has continuously managed to work in my life. The last several months have been incredibly difficult for me. Life changes have been challenging, and the chaotic mess of learning how to become a responsible student again, as well as be successful in a job (that I have no clue what I'm doing at) has certainly presented some hurtles that I was not expecting. The things in my life that I would have once considered strengths, are becoming things that I acknowledge need to be tamed, before I abuse them. Gifts from the Lord are meant to be treasured and used for his glory, and at times this semester I have seen how I have taken the gifts he has given me and abused them in an incredibly unhealthy fashion. That is not fair to me and others in my life, but more importantly it's not fair to the Lord.

When we go through the different seasons in life, God has us constantly on a journey. A journey to find freedom, a journey to discovering truth, a journey towards our spouses, a journey on parenting then grand parenting.... we're constantly on a journey. Through the journey He is constantly teaching us valuable lessons about life and His character. Some of the lessons are much easier than others, most of them in the last couple months of my life have been insanely hard to trudge through. However, regardless of how difficult they would be, I certainly would not replace them for anything.

My journey over the last couple of months has been surreal and almost imaginary. I've found myself trying to find a balance with all of it - isn't that part of life... just trying to find a balance all of the time? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between pride fulness and unworthiness. I confess that when dear friends and loved ones in my life are attempting to encourage me and build me up, I either tune them out or verbally oppose their acknowledgements. If that's not happening, then I'm completely relishing in the praise and glory, and internally begging for more... consequently getting a big head over it. When I catch myself doing either of these, I get mad at myself. I mean for crying out loud, how could one person be at opposite ends of the pendulum... there has to be a balance. I need to find that balance. I'm walking a line of trying to discover humility and engulf myself in it's beautiful character, as well as allow the Spirit to work through loved ones in my life to encourage me and love me. I don't know what my deal is, but it's part of the journey.

Oh the journey... of course men are always a part of it in some fashion. No, I am not dating anyone. I have gone on a date or two, and I acknowledge that I have noticed guys noticing me more, but nothing more than that I think. Thanks to my sweet roommates, I can see now that I've been carrying a sign around the last couple of months that basically says... "Men, back OFF! I'm content!". By no means is that the message that I want to send out, however that is what it has looked like to people. Although I am content with where I am at, I'm learning that I need to be more open to other possibilities in my life. To allow and welcome the Spirit to work in my heart in healthy ways that I have never allowed it to before. I'm learning that it is OK to think about marriage, it is OK to think about whether or not someone could be compatible with you, and yes it is even OK to try and imagine yourself with someone to see if they might be who you're meant to be with. All of those things are OK - if done in a healthy manner. I've experienced how my mind works in an unhealthy way with these thoughts, and I don't want anything to do with them. However, it's time to allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind in healthy ways, that will help me to continue the journey in finding the man I've been created to help, love, and serve.

It's been breathtaking to see how the Lord has continued to pursue me the last several months, in ways that I never imagined He could. A year ago, I was begging God to pursue me, to love me, to show me His grace and support. I'm sure He was then, but I didn't feel it then, like I feel it now. I am in awe of how the Lord continuously stands firmly at my side, cuddling me, holding me, not letting go. He is present. He is here. He is not leaving.

Through all of my insecurities, sinful thoughts and actions, lack of confidence, I can honestly say that I am confident of this: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, and He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.

My hope and prayer for each of you this Christmas would be that you are able to reflect on the last year, and see what God has been teaching you. How has he defined your character to be more like His own, and what is He doing to show you that He is pursuing you, next to you, and not leaving. I hope that you and your kin have a very Merry Christmas.

I promise to be back before the New Year. :)

Much love,
Ashley

movies these days...

movie these days...

i don't get it. what's the deal? why do all of the romantic comedies have to be so vulgar now? last night kala and i went to see Stupid Crazy Love, it was actually a pretty good movie.... with the exception of some moral ridiculous non-sense that was unnecessary.

i just don't get it, you know? why can't they make movies like Sweet Home Alabama still? or even You've Got Mail....

all of the movies now are swarming into the culture that has so quickly engulfed the media, sex. sex has changed the culture of entertainment tremendously in the last decade alone. unfortunately, entertainment has big influence on our society. so... i think you know where i'm going with this, and i have a feeling it's only going to get ugly before it gets better.

praise god for last place.

Recently it has been brought to my attention (by several people), that I'm single.

Little do those people know... I know I'm single, and I am so thankful i am single, and I'm pretty sure my husband (whoever and where ever he is) is thankful that I am single as well.

I look back on the last 24 years of my life, and I realize that I haven't experienced a lot of romantic relationships in my life. I didn't date in high school, not really in college either.... except for boyfriend #1, which lasted a grand total of two months. I realized quickly into the relationship before I was too emotionally invested that he was not Mr. Right. Then, the year after college I had a random quick-fire relationship with boyfriend #2, which I would much rather completely forget ever happened instead of even mentioning again... bf#2 was definitely one of those relationships where you look back, and you wonder what in the WORLD WAS I THINKING?! Ha! Anyways, that ended too once I realized he wasn't Mr. Right. in both of those situations, the Lord protected me emensely. He really took care of me. He protected my heart from a world of new emotions I wasn't ready to be exposed to. My purity, in the midst of a world driven by sex and hormones for young adults. But most of all, He protected my spiritual well-being, for the Evil Jerk who is so ready to jump in and destroy our faith. Praise God for His protection over me!

In those years, I so desperately wanted to be with someone, not just anyone my husband. The Lord isn't kidding in Genesis 3, when He says that "woman will long for her husband, and he will rule over her". I craved something that I had never even had a small taste of, I craved a longing to be filled, an illusion in my mind to come true... i was willing to create romance and potential relationships where ever an opportunity presented itself (not so much acting on anything, but definitely creating scenarios in my heart and mind). On several occasions, i can recall walking into a room and just thinking (as soon as i met a single guy): "Could he be the one? Is this the man the Lord has for me? Maybe i should sit next to him... but i might smell bad, probably should sit across from him so he can still see me but not smell me... Oh, crap what's his name again?" Seriously... those were thoughts. Hillarious, I know! I'm laughing just as I type.

Or maybe it's not funny to you... maybe you can relate? If you can relate, please don't stop reading.

Finally about a year ago, I acknowledged that something was wrong with my mind and my heart. Why was I creating all of these ideas in my head? That's not who I am, that's not who I want to be... I'm NOT boy crazy! I'm NOT in NEED of someone..... I only NEED the Lord, I think... I want to only need the Lord... but my thoughts are not reflecting my heart's true desire. But that's just the thing, that wasn't my heart's true desire... my heart's true desire was to have my husband come into my life, not to have the Lord be the primary Romancer in my life. That's when I decided it was time, time to make a change, for good.

Last September, I started praying for my husband in a different way than I had ever prayed for him before. I used to say, "Lord bring me my man!" Now, it's more like, "Lord, protect your Son, my husband, on His path towards you, just as you have protected me."

Last September, I started reading a book about being the Bride of Christ, and I set down the Twilight series... I pulled myself away from all the books (that I didn't realize at the time) were actually pulling my heart into an attitude of being alone-longing for fictional romance. These books (not just Twilight, I'm just picking on those ones) slowly were taking away the idea of the Lord being my Husband my Romancer, and giving me an Earthly husband to worship over and long for, the opposite of what I actually want for myself. I knew that needed to end, right then and there!

Last September, I started controlling my mind and my thoughts, recognizing when I was creating situations in my mind, and killing them before they could begin to grow into something dangerous. That was hard, there's no accountability with your thoughts... only you know your thoughts (and the Lord, of course). Your mind can be a beautiful and yet, incredibly dangerous place to dwell. It's easy to fall short with our thoughts, it's easy to get lost in jealousy, judgement, creation of sin. The Evil Jerk knows our thoughts, and he knows how to get under our skin, and create thoughts that are not holy and pleasing to the Lord, and could potentially steer us away from bringing Christ the glory. Controlling our thoughts, and being honest about them when we fall short, is so crucial to allowing the Lord to work through the muck in our mind and pulls Him back to the center so He can be ultimately glorified.

Last September, I was asked out on a date by a guy, I would typically say no to guys like him. Good guy, just not my kind of good guy. He's not my husband, very much like a brother actually. I was going to just say no to him, even though I was flattered by him even asking... but I didn't, I said yes, and went anyways, because the Lord asked me: Why not Ashley? There's nothing to lose in this... That's when I realized, I didn't ask for a date with him.. I wasn't expecting a date with him... and the Lord presented me with an opporunity to be pursued by a man, for my beauty to be enjoyed, He gave me the confidence I needed - just by this little date, which seemed so insignificant at the time, but in reality, it's just what I needed.

Since then it's amazing and beautiful to see how the Lord has moved mountains in my life when it comes to "my love life". He has given me such a beautiful and relaxing peace that He does have a man for me, but first I must understand and see that He is the only man that I NEED in this life. It's one thing to say that God is all I need, but it's another to believe it, and not just try to convince myself of that.. but really believe that all I need in this life is the Lord. He's given me that, after months of praying and fasting, and trying to find trust in something that is unseen, He delivered me, and I'm finally where I need to be.

There are days that I look at my life, and I realize that I am the only single one in my group of friends, on my Church staff, at work, in my family.... that I'm in last place in the marriage race you might say. It would be easy for me to throw myself a pitty party, and sulk about it, but why? Nobody likes a party pooper, and the Lord would be hurt if I discredited my relationship with Him as anything less than what it is - and let's face it, Jesus is the most committed man I've ever encountered, that alone is incredibly attractive.

But you know what, I like last place.... it's fun, educational, spontaneous, there's freedom with last place, and I like it. Last place to me is almost like a gift from God. I can be selfish with my time for once, I've never been able to be selfish with my time, and I can now. I can go to Italy next summer if I want (cross your fingers for me), I can go out late on a Friday night spontaneously just for the heck of it, if I want. I get to hear about marital things and learn a few do's and dont's from friends as they try to figure out the whole marriage thing. I get to go to Grad School and not have to worry about whether or not it's a decision that will benefit me and someone else, I can just go and do it, because I want to. When I start a new job, or begin to look for a different one, I don't need someone's permission... I'm free to make my own decision regarding my professional life. I love it!

I get to be alone with the Lord, for a little bit longer. My heart only is sold to Him, He doesn't have to fight for any time with me, I'm all His. I love it.

I like last place because I can take all of the great ideas I've had from everyone else's wedding and adjust them to my perfect liking when I get married. I like last place because when I do get married, it's going to be the last big wedding with my family and my friends. It's going to be so much fun, and it's going to be worth it. I think it's worth the wait, however long the wait may be too. There are a lot of perks to being in last place... I like all of them.

From this light, last place looks really good.