hi, it's my again... you're host.

confession: Grad school, a lot more work than I anticipated.
confession: I may have bit off more than I can chew this semester... semester is over, and I'm still kind of chewing.
confession: I probably ate 20 too many Oreos in the last four months.
confession: thanks to my roommates, I really enjoy the Big Bang Theory now... a bunch of funny nerds, what more could a girl ask for?
confession: I acknowledge it's been four months since I've blogged... and I am sorry, but I am back to redeem my efforts now. :)

Reflecting on the last couple months of my life, I can't help but be in awe of the how the Lord has continuously managed to work in my life. The last several months have been incredibly difficult for me. Life changes have been challenging, and the chaotic mess of learning how to become a responsible student again, as well as be successful in a job (that I have no clue what I'm doing at) has certainly presented some hurtles that I was not expecting. The things in my life that I would have once considered strengths, are becoming things that I acknowledge need to be tamed, before I abuse them. Gifts from the Lord are meant to be treasured and used for his glory, and at times this semester I have seen how I have taken the gifts he has given me and abused them in an incredibly unhealthy fashion. That is not fair to me and others in my life, but more importantly it's not fair to the Lord.

When we go through the different seasons in life, God has us constantly on a journey. A journey to find freedom, a journey to discovering truth, a journey towards our spouses, a journey on parenting then grand parenting.... we're constantly on a journey. Through the journey He is constantly teaching us valuable lessons about life and His character. Some of the lessons are much easier than others, most of them in the last couple months of my life have been insanely hard to trudge through. However, regardless of how difficult they would be, I certainly would not replace them for anything.

My journey over the last couple of months has been surreal and almost imaginary. I've found myself trying to find a balance with all of it - isn't that part of life... just trying to find a balance all of the time? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between pride fulness and unworthiness. I confess that when dear friends and loved ones in my life are attempting to encourage me and build me up, I either tune them out or verbally oppose their acknowledgements. If that's not happening, then I'm completely relishing in the praise and glory, and internally begging for more... consequently getting a big head over it. When I catch myself doing either of these, I get mad at myself. I mean for crying out loud, how could one person be at opposite ends of the pendulum... there has to be a balance. I need to find that balance. I'm walking a line of trying to discover humility and engulf myself in it's beautiful character, as well as allow the Spirit to work through loved ones in my life to encourage me and love me. I don't know what my deal is, but it's part of the journey.

Oh the journey... of course men are always a part of it in some fashion. No, I am not dating anyone. I have gone on a date or two, and I acknowledge that I have noticed guys noticing me more, but nothing more than that I think. Thanks to my sweet roommates, I can see now that I've been carrying a sign around the last couple of months that basically says... "Men, back OFF! I'm content!". By no means is that the message that I want to send out, however that is what it has looked like to people. Although I am content with where I am at, I'm learning that I need to be more open to other possibilities in my life. To allow and welcome the Spirit to work in my heart in healthy ways that I have never allowed it to before. I'm learning that it is OK to think about marriage, it is OK to think about whether or not someone could be compatible with you, and yes it is even OK to try and imagine yourself with someone to see if they might be who you're meant to be with. All of those things are OK - if done in a healthy manner. I've experienced how my mind works in an unhealthy way with these thoughts, and I don't want anything to do with them. However, it's time to allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind in healthy ways, that will help me to continue the journey in finding the man I've been created to help, love, and serve.

It's been breathtaking to see how the Lord has continued to pursue me the last several months, in ways that I never imagined He could. A year ago, I was begging God to pursue me, to love me, to show me His grace and support. I'm sure He was then, but I didn't feel it then, like I feel it now. I am in awe of how the Lord continuously stands firmly at my side, cuddling me, holding me, not letting go. He is present. He is here. He is not leaving.

Through all of my insecurities, sinful thoughts and actions, lack of confidence, I can honestly say that I am confident of this: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, and He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.

My hope and prayer for each of you this Christmas would be that you are able to reflect on the last year, and see what God has been teaching you. How has he defined your character to be more like His own, and what is He doing to show you that He is pursuing you, next to you, and not leaving. I hope that you and your kin have a very Merry Christmas.

I promise to be back before the New Year. :)

Much love,
Ashley