no spelling errors.

The title of this post is dedicated to Craig Flack. That is all.

Over the last week I have been reflecting a lot on my last post, and my life circumstances in general. To be honest, I felt like there had to be something more there than what I originally was thinking. In addition to the confessions I expressed last week, I realize that I have one more, except this time it's a bit more difficult to express. There is a condition in my heart that is painful, ugly, and toxic. The condition is sin. I confess that I haven't been completely living the last couple of months desiring to glorify the Lord alone. I've wanted all of that glory to come to me.... I've created myself out to be an idol in my own life. I have wanted to bask in the glory, and I alone wanted all of the credit. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back on my actions, my thoughts, my insecurities, and even my desires, none of them were for the Lord to be glorified in my work.

I confess that I made school and academics and idol. I wanted so desperately to get straight A's my first semester of Grad School that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen: all-nighters, hours of reading texts, above and beyond the requirements of papers... the list goes on. There was a point this semester where I can recall completely ignoring God tugging on my heart to hang out with him, just because I knew I needed to read just one more page... or write just another paragraph... or get on campus just an hour earlier to study. When really he just wanted to spend time with me.

Education has always been something of great value in my life. I thought that it was a healthy thing to value, a good thing, a responsible value. However, looking back on the last couple of months I think I can see that even a value that is healthy, good, and responsible, can be corrupted by the Evil Jerk and crafted to not bring glory to our King. It can be manipulated, twisted, and disfigured in a way that no longer brings joy to His heart, but instead deep sadness. Sadness for how we have let go of Him, and lost sight of His love for us. My sinful nature did that this semester. I took a gift I was given from the Lord and managed to reconstruct it until I was the one getting the glory from it, and not the King.

Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death..."

The result of the sin that I have been living in is death. Which leads me to believe, that this is what can explain why the last couple of months have been so difficult for me. It's almost like I've been dieing... not literally of course, but rather my soul. Lately my mood has been somber, unmotivated, and just full of unnecessary sadness. I feel incredibly unworthy and inadequate in some of the roles I'm playing in life. I feel as if, I'm not doing a good enough job, or that the work I am putting forth is just barely satisfactory. I feel like I'm failing or I'm already defeated, when I know I'm not. I feel as if I'm a not being a dependable friend, I'm not loving enough, my words to the people I love are cold and emotionless. I think that's death for me right now.

When I'm avoidant to acknowledge the sin in my life, I typically refer to all of this as My Hermione Syndrome... my ridiculous need for nothing below an "Exceeds Expectations" in all categories, whether that is academics, spirituality, leadership, relationships, employment, mentoring/discipleship... the list goes on. I strive to do all of these things well, and as best as I can muster for the glory of ME... I mean, the Lord, of course. At some point this semester (and I don't know when) I get off course, again. I selfishly allowed other idols to come before God, and I just so happened to be one of them.

The rest of Romans 6:23 is poetic and perfect... "but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ."

I honestly don't get it. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how and why the Lord continued to love me, pursue me, and stand next to me throughout the last couple of months. One of His greatest commandments says that we shouldn't have any other idols before God, which is exactly what I did. Yet, He was still there. He never left me. I just don't understand why He would want me, a sinner? But He does - and He doesn't just want me now, but he wants me for eternity. That is unreal.

For some unknown reason the Lord has me here for a purpose. I don't know what it is, or why I have had to be in this ugly spot for the last several months, but that's reality right now. My character is being molded and shaped to become even a decimal closer to how the Lord wants me to be as a Daughter of the King. The pruning process is painful, emotionally difficult, and altogether not fun. However, I know in the end it will be worth it.


I urge you brothers and sisters, to confront your darkness, your sin, and repent of it. Allow the Spirit to work through your sin and into your life, so that you may be renewed. Trust that God is with you, He's not leaving your side. Believe that He takes great delight in you as His child, and accept His grace so that you can fully comprehend the depth and width of His redeeming love for you.