the day i realized i plan out my sin.

I'm 25 years old. I have lived the majority of my life (all of my adult life - for sure) creating plans and agendas for myself. Anything from where I want to go to college, to applying for different jobs... and even down to when I'm ready to put on my adult pants and become a professional. I've even tried to plan out how and where and with whom I was going to do ministry... I planned on being a Young Life leader... and I planned on being a Young Life leader for the rest of my life... I planned on going on staff... I planned this and that...

Within the last couple months of my life I even planned out the rest of my journey as a single woman. I planned how I was going to utilize my gifts in different areas of my life, and how I was going to spend my free time since I didn't have a spouse or kids to invest in.

I've planned assignments for school. When to do what, and how much time I have to finish an assignment before it's due. I have more to-do lists and checklists than any one person should.

I've planned my bank accounts. My dad taught me how to successfully plan for my financial future, so I've done that. I've planned when I'll graduate with my Masters, when I'll start applying for jobs. I've even planned when I might buy a house in the next couple of years.

I've planned event after event for Brookside Kids. I've planned my next six month journey with Brookside Church.

I am a planner - excuse me... I meant to say, I'm a sinner. I have relied so much, TOO MUCH, on my own plan that I have failed to see how beautiful the Lord's plan is for my life along the way. I got in the way of taking a full look at what He has in store for my life. I didn't acknowledge or notice anything going on that He had up his sleeve until it hit me square in the face.

I am such a planner, I even plan out my sin. I plan when I want to be with the Lord, and what my time with Him is going to look like. Sometimes I plan so many things during the day, I'm not taking enough time (or unfortunately no time at all) to be with Christ. I plan - and sin. I fall short daily, most of the time unintentionally... and sometimes out of complete disobedience because I think that my plan is way better than His plan for me. I know - I'm an idiot. You would think by now I would catch on.

My sinful nature of taking control and planning out my life down to every day gets in the way. It's absurd, and certainly not glorifying to the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11, Ephesians 3:20, 1 Peter 5:7... all of them and more need to be continuously put in the front of my mind. I need to keep these verses at my feet, and remind myself of how the Lord's plan is SO MUCH bigger and better than my own.

He has been showing me that over the last several weeks, and I am so thankful for it. My life is slowly moving from a silly sitcom to a daring adventure, and I'm in awe of the work HE is doing.

"He must become greater, and I must become less." -John 3:30

Don't get me wrong, I think planning is a good thing - and a necessity in some of our lives. But I think what I'm trying to say is we need to be ok with throwing the plan out the window. We cannot make the plan an idol as we are often in the habit of doing. We must plan for the glory of the Lord, and when planning becomes more than glorifying Him, then we need to check the posture of our hearts. Like any good thing in this world, it can be coveted... and some may not even realize they are coveting it until it's too late. Which is exactly what I think started happening in my own "planned out" life.

Praise God for throwing some wrenches in my plan, and that I wasn't too blind to see them... and praise God I embraced those wrenches, and allowed the Lord to use them in my life. Because it turns out, those wrenches in my plan... came along to fix and make my plan so much better than what I could have ever imagined.

Embrace God's wrenches in your plan when He throws them into your life.... you never know what He's up to with them.

Twelve months.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago I was finally beginning to be at peace with the Lord's will in my life at the time. Twelve months ago, I finally decided it was time to choke down the sobs of my grief for being done leading, and listen to what He had next for me.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, I stopped screaming at Him and started listening to Him. Once I wiped my eyes away of all the tears, I was able to see how much He was actually moving in my life. I caught onto His vision, His plan for my life... bigger than anything I could have ever wanted for myself, or even begin to dream was possible. A load that was much greater than what I honestly thought I was worthy of carrying.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, He said GO! And I went... very much like Moses. Fumbling over my words and my thoughts the entire time, not entirely confident in myself, but fully confident in the Lord alone. Twelve months ago, I started the interview process for Brookside Church, to be hired on as the Children's Ministry intern. The entire hiring process from start to finish was long, and exhausting for me. But in the end, completely worth it, obviously. :)

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago, I finally met and got to know two dear friends really well. Kala and Lori. Kala and I really embraced getting to know one another when the Women's Retreat came around, I handed her a personal invite and I'll never forget the look on her face that morning at Brookside. Full of love and excitement, eagerness to get to know me, and I know my heart felt the same way. Lori and I knew one another for months before then, because of life group, but never really took notice until twelve months ago. When we decided to live together.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Twelve months ago I was freaking out about being single... now I'm freaking out about the idea of marriage.

A lot can happen in twelve months.

Within the last twelve months: I have started Grad school, gone on a couple dates (none of which were much to write home about), am now the Director of Children's Ministries at Brookside, and have switched from YL Leader to Small Group leader... which might as well be leading. :)

A lot can happen in twelve months. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next twelve bring as well.

I have to believe it is worth it.

Learning can be...

painful. long. trying. exhausting. frustrating. overwhelming. lonely. heart-thrashing. difficult. tear-ful. emotional. draining. too much at times....

I trust that the end result will be...

worth it.

God is my teacher, and I know that God is love... so, I must believe that end result will be worth it.