Mysterious Doormat.

Here's a long one for you, hope you're prepared. Pardon my grammar errors, I honestly could careless right now. :)

Wyld Life camp was last week. To be honest with you, at first was completely nervous and apprehensive about going. I wasn't sure if I was adequate enough to do what needed to be done at camp, and ensure that those girls would have the best week of their lives. I wasn't entirely positive that I was spiritually there with the Lord to survive what can be an exhausting and long week. My nervousness surfaced the night before we left when I was attempting to cram as many possible things into the only suitcase I had available, thankfully I was able to make all of the items fit into the emerald box on wheels. I acknowledged the negative thoughts running through my mind, and eventually those thoughts swelled into a large concentrated emotion that sat at the pit of my soul, I really wasn't ready to be a Wyld Life leader, and most certainly not prepared to lead a cabin at camp.

I sucked it up, woke the next morning and tried to regain composure as best as I could for the next five days. When we arrived to Rockbridge (two hours late) we were immeadiately headed to the first Leader's meeting where OJ, our head leader, might has well have punched me in the face with the hand of God. The reality check came so swiftly and unexpected I'm still amazed I that I didn't get lock jaw from my mouth hitting the floor so hard. He called me out. It was like one of those moments where you know the speaker is talking to the entire room, but you just feel like you are the target.. yeah, that's what it was like. I was the target and his words were the arrows that my soul needed. I still am amazed at how the Lord used that perfect stranger and spoke to me in that moment of my complete darkness.

I realized that I may not have been ready for camp, or thought that I was not ready for it, but regardless God was going to use me in my weaknesses. In that moment, I knew that I was good. I was where I needed to be in the battlefield, and my mind was prepared for war, there wasn't anymore fear. He restored my confidence and faith as a leader, a believe, and as His daughter. He empowered me to become a doormat, and to glorify Him in my servanthood and cast out negativity from my mind and soul. Three of the four girls accepted Christ as their Savior that week, God is good.

I came home from camp late last Saturday night, exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was completely incoherent of my surroundings. Let's just say being a leader at camp is nothing like it used to be for me, I'm no spring chicken anymore folks. I have no idea how those older leaders do it... there was a 54 year old woman there last week, props to her.. I'm a wimp. Anyways, so as I enter my apartment building and walk up to my door, I acknowledge that the ground beneath me was altered for some reason... whatever, no big deal.. I was too tired and lazy to figure out why I suppose. I just wanted my bed. It was 10:08pm.

I walked in, through my stuff on the floor, and immediately headed to my bed. I had never seen a more beautifully crafted piece of furniture in my life. The pillow-top Serta was such a sight for sore eyes. It was all I could do to not get teary-eyed at it's presence. I knew that I was going to have the best night's sleep ever. I laid down onto the soft comfort of freedom, closed my eyes and waited for the Sand Man to come. 10:15pm, no Sand Man... instead the vibration of my cell phone (still in my jeans pocket, mind you) shook the life right out of me, I moaned... and for some absurd and still unknown reason to me, I answered it.

It was Maddie, one of my high school girls.. she desperately needed to talk to someone, I mumbled to her, hung up the phone, rolled over and tried to fall back to sleep... but then I realized that sleep was no longer an option. I had to find a way to wake up and become attentive because my mumbling to Maddie was actually an invitation to come over and talk. So I got up, and waited for her to come.

While I was waiting I was thinking, not just about how I desired nothing more than sleep in that moment. I was considered about how well of a listener I was going to be to her needs, and whether or not this time with her was going to be beneficial at all for her. I was clearly in no conscious state to be having a strenuous conversation that required use of the brain. Hopefully, God would just show up and do it all for me.

Knock, knock. 10:37pm. Awake, no idea how... I walk to the door, my head staring at the ground.. open the door... and I was totally caught off guard by what I saw. Not Maddie of course, but what she was standing on, a doormat. A doormat. A doormat that I know I had never seen before, one that I had never purchased for myself.. or anyone else for that matter... and a doormat that brought life to my soul instantly. God showed up that night in the shape of a doormat.

It was the reminder I needed to get my mind ready for my conversation with Maddie. It triggered a memory from what OJ touched on at camp. We may not always be ready to serve and to live out our calling, but regardless of our short comings and the times we feel defeated and exhausted, God is ready to use us. He is always prepared and He is always our strong tower.

I quickly refocused on Maddie, and her disaster of a situation at hand. Listened to her concerns, and chimed in when necessary. When it was finally my turn to speak, and share my thoughts with her, God's thoughts (definitely not mine, that's for sure) poured out of my mouth like Niagara Falls after 100 inches of rainfall. He still used me even when I thought I couldn't help a fly.

Maddie left a little after midnight, and I was able to head back to bed. As I laid there thinking about my conversation with her, I remembered the doormat. I got up, and hastened to my apartment door, opened it just enough to peer out into the hallway. There it was, the doormat. Sitting it's own fashion with big, beautiful, blue and turquoise flowers scattered on it's face. I stared at it wondering how the heck it turned up on my doorstep, and thankful that I now had a doormat so my dad could stop making jokes about me not having one (I'll explain later).

Eventually on Sunday after I was able to find some sleep the night before I was sorting through my mail that was waiting for me on the kitchen counter, and I stumbled across some familiar handwriting on an envelope that was not stamped with no address or return address (therefore not sent through the mail). I opened it, a penguin greeted me on the front of the card, cute guy, he was clearly ready for August weather, he had his shades on. As I read the inside of the card, I couldn't help but smile as I realized who the doormat was from, the not so secretive handwriting gave it away regardless of the lack in signature. Thank you for my doormat friends.

You never know when God's going to show up, how He's going to use you... He just does. That's the beauty of this life.

one month down, 11 to go.

Whoever said it would be easy? About a 60 days ago I was excited about the new and appealing adventure of my 12 month lease in my own one-bedroom apartment. It seemed like something so adult-ish, so "the next phase of life" for me, I suppose you could say it just made perfect sense. I would have my own space, a bathroom to myself, an organized very less chaotic bedroom space... but best of all, my own kitchen! I love cooking, I've become quite the little Martha Stewart around here (minus the whole incarceration bit).

The newness of this place has worn off a bit. Yes, I still get excited in the morning when I don't have to worry about sharing the bathroom or having scheduled shower times with other roommates. And I certainly appreciate being able to keep this place as neat and tidy as I desire, or in some situations: a mess and not having to worry about it bothering anyone. That's nice. Although living a relatively independent life alone in this 264 sq. ft. apartment has many, many beautifully positive things, I can't help but be distracted by the darkness at times.

I never imagined it would be as hard as it is though, living alone. In the last few weeks of living in the Cottage with some of the coolest women in my life, I knew it was going to be hard leaving the fellowship and community that we had created within our living situation. I did not doubt that I wasn't going to have a hard time with the quiet and the loneliness at times. I miss late night conversations, Tuesday evening roomie meals, but most of all, the presence and familiarity of the family we had created within our sisterhood. That's one thing I know that I will never have again. No experience will ever compare to what I had with my Cottage girls, those two memorable years at 119 Troup. Miss you ladies.

I've learned one thing this past month about my life, something that I know I can carry with me and is applicable throughout life: Putting worth in Idols will only leave you alone, lost, and searching in the end. I created this apartment into an Idol, and I didn't even realize it until I was all moved in. I thought that this place would fix most things in my life. I was certain that my relationship with the Lord would be the best it's ever been. I was certain that I wouldn't have any distractions from my faith, and I would be able to find a perfect independence in my journey through life, without having to be guided by anyone. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Thankfully, I acknowledge that now before I was in too deep.

One month down, 11 to go. It's my desire to make the best of this living situation, and I intend to do just that. I know that I am where I am at in life right now because God has a plan. His intentions for my life are pure and full of love. This evening while I was reading Psalm 27, I stumbled upon verses 13 and 14, and this is where I found God speaking to me in this moment, "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord!"

And so I shall, wait for the Lord.